Emmy Live Blog
11:02: Thank God 30 Rock won. If freaking Two and a Half Men did, I'd lose faith in... whatever nebulous governing body it is that votes on these stupid awards.
10:49: Dead People Montage: I barely want to live in a world without Larry "Bud" Melman, but one without him and Charles Nelson Reilly? Christ, bring on the suicide booths.
10:42: Two things: A) How don't you give Hugh Laurie a joke? He's the funniest person they have handy that isn't Elaine Stritch. B) If I never hear Sally Field again it'll be t-- hey, they cut her off and went to a static, silent shot. Thanks, Emmys!
10:38: Does it ever seem like Colbert and Stewart are trying way, way too hard?
10:30: I'm pretty sure the only people who watch The Amazing Race are the people who vote for the Emmys. Or the people who make the damn thing, since there are about nine thousand of them on stage right now. Way to drag, like, best boys up there, guys.
10:17: Elaine Stritch is funnier than everyone else on this damned show put together.
10:12: Were... were there any other nominees in the category Al Gore's heretofore unheard of website just won an Emmy for? Did they just make up a category to get Gore a cheap pop? Did MySpace Tom really lend this any credibility?
Tony Bennett, by the way, says go to Target. So get your ass up there, because that guy only likes things that're great.
10:00: Jesus God almighty, could we get a few more awards for miniserii, movies and dramatic specials? Not to sound like Lewis Black by way of Andy Rooney, but have you ever noticed that there're like fifty awards for this but Guest Actor, Actress, and Best Animated Series get bumped to the pre-show with all the Best Setting Up Lights for an Award Show awards?
9:48: To anyone who hasn't seen Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee: Spoiler Alert, the indians die.
9:31: Whomever this head of the academy cat is, he couldn't look more like Chicken Boo if he started pecking at the ground for feed.
9:22: I want one - JUST ONE - person to enter through that trap door like they were Rey Mysterio. Just launched out full-tilt, accompanied by fireworks and shitty music. BOOYAKA BOOYAKA SIX ONE NINE.
9:10: ROBERT DUVALL WANTS ME TO DIE.
9:00: If you're playing by the rules and have a black hole-like gaping maw like mine, Robert Duvall just cost you like three-quarters of a beer.
8:51: Tony Bennett's awesome, but this bit would've been a thousand percent more notable had they opened on Alec Baldwin pretending to be Tony Bennett. Incidentally, this has got to be putting Britney Spears on extra secret double suicide watch.
8:40 I hate to keep the joke pattern going, but it's Hiegl's come a long way since "My Father, the Hero"
8:30: Lowell wins Emmy, David Schramm kills hooker.
8:29: Thomas Hayden Church has come a long, long way from Lowell...Actually, nevermind I was thinking of Kevin Bacon.
8:26 Props to Katherine Hiegl for calling out the announcer for mispronouncing her name.
8:25: Jamie Pressley wins an Emmy. Yeah, Poison Ivy 3 totally paid off.
8:22: Paula Abdul misses a joke about her because she's clearly about to blow a guy.
8:17: Locke came dressed as a nightclub. And his wife looked like she was about to split open and reveal Quaid trying to get through Mars airport security.
Every time: fuck Ray Romano...and Jeremy Piven
8:05: Is Seacrest's tie made of electrical tape? Better question: Why is Ryan Seacrest hosting this? What did we do wrong?
8:00: AMENDMENT TO DRINKING GAME RULES: Drink whenever there are freaking animated characters on a live action show. Drink whenever there is a musical number. Hell, just start drinking and keep it going.
7:50: Thanks for the countdown clock, Fox, I'd totally forgotten when eight o'clock happened.
Emmy Drinking Game Rules:
Chug while the "Get Off Fucking Stage, Speechy" music plays
Shot whenever an "Ugly Betty" castmember appears on screen
Shot whenever someone whose breasts you have seen, whether in person, in print, or electronically is on screen
Shot whenever a winner thanks God
Shot whenever a winner thanks an agent or lawyer over a spouse or significant other
Shot whenever someone mentions that the show is "green" this year
Three Shots whenever a winner indicts a politician for any reason
One Shot per namedrop during a winning speech
Two Shots every time you actually laugh at something you were meant to laugh at
Shot for every bombed joke
7:40: In manlier news, the lowly Oakland Raiders very nearly just beat the Broncos in overtime, but their attempted field goal bounced off the top of the freaking goalpost, in flagrant violation of any kind of logic and, I think, physics.
Meanwhile, some people are wearing dresses made by other people.
7:35: Jon Stewart appears and college students everywhere shrieked because he's their mouthpiece. A mouthpiece that tastes like Craig Kilborn.
7:25: You think if Omar Epps asked for a ridiculous amount of money to come back to House, they'd call his bluff and replace him with Wesley Snipes? The irony would be delicious.
7:20: Do you think David Schramm wants to kill Tony Shalhoub? Or at least see him get badly hurt? Where's Roy's Emmy, huh? Where?
7:19: Joely Fisher looks like two bald men are struggling to get out of her dress. I stole that joke from Brad Garrett because just like Ray Romano stole his will to live by being the second least funny comedian in Hollywood.
7:14: The pre-show is in full swing, with a scrub squad of interviewers asking who people are wearing. I don't care, you don't care; I'm reasonably sure even God, all-seeing and everywhere at once, is ignoring this in favor of the late football games.
Quick note: I totally thought Denis Leary was Carson from Queer Eye for one baffling second.
7:00: The Drudge Siren, America's least productive blog, is live blogging America's least productive television season. A season where NBC decided it didn't have a budget for new sitcoms and decided to dump all its money into reality television. Hopefully we can continue this practice in futility, much like the Roman Empire right before it fell: weak, fat and really homoerotic.