Hurricane Wilma refuses advice, drinks the water

Hurricane Wilma, like so many others who visit mexico, has been brought to its knees. the storm has weakened considerably to a category two hurricane though it is expected to strengthen slightly over the next 24 hours. However, since it is over mexico, destruction will be minimal since nothing of any worth exists there.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy, But Neither is Impeachment

After becoming president, blowing his load on an intern, convincing his wife not to leave him, surviving Congressional hearings, building a library, and writing a best seller, William Jefferson Clinton is now on the cover of Ladies' Home Journal. I swear that guy has the Kavorka. Go get 'em, tiger!

Let's Play The Pyramid!

White women getting murdered by their lawyer husbands!

"Uhm... some kind of ironic reference to the OJ trial?"

Hurricanes!

"....severe weather? Storms? Things that kill the poor?"

Blonde girls getting kidnapped!

"Things that Batman fixes?"

Dress codes in the NBA!

"Things that Tim Duncan thinks are retarded?"

Nancy Grace's opinions about anything!

"Things I don't give a damn about!"

DING!

Nobody wants to see players die, but...

wouldn't it be really cool to watch a football game while hurricane wilma blows through the stadium? kansas city and miami have rescheduled their game for friday to beat the hurricane. but seriously, 145 mile an hour winds has got to mess with the passing game. and miami doesn't have one anyway. it's like a football experiment...i would pay to see it and i figure i'm not alone.

TV Lawyer's wife murdered UPDATE

CNN is reporting a 16 year old has been arrested for the murder of Pamela Vitale, wife of lawyer David Horowitz...popular for being a legal analyst on cable news stations. Things got even weirder in this case when Horowitz's high profile rich-woman-kills-husband case was declared a mistrial due to his circumstances. And now a 16 year old is involved? something seems fishy to me. I'm no detective but doesn't it seem possible that a psychotic rich woman would send a 16 year old to kill her own lawyer's wife to grab a few extra months outside of federal prison?

No More Ickies in Your In-Flight Tap Water

CNN.com - Airlines agree to EPA water standards - Oct. 20, 2005

They found coliform in a bunch of planes' water systems. Welcome to the Age of Germ Theory, airlines, glad you could join us.

Regardless, who the hell drinks the water from the plane faucet? Where is the faucet on a plane, in the bathroom? I'd have to be drying up like roadkill before I ever drank that.

Ominous Orange Blob Threatens Yucatan

I don't want to beat the natural disaster horse too much, but currently, MSNBC and Fox News are running little huricane trackers in the bottom-right corner of the screen. Oh yeah, Drudge has one, too. Now that we all know a little bit more about hurricanes (they're windy and hate black people), I guess it's only appropriate to keep an eye on them nonstop. Granted, I'd rather watch the past hour of radar images on loop than anything on Fox News, even if there wasn't a hurricane, and all it showed was a blue square. But there are far better places to turn to satiate your hurricane hunger, if you must. And if you must, you're probably a lot less important than you think you are.

The networks haven't quite found that magical window where the best time to tell people about hurricanes lies. They know it's somewhere between when the thing forms and when it starts raining on the coast, but they just can't get it nailed down. It hardly matters anyhow, because anyone who gets MSNBC surely gets the damned Weather Channel. Hell, here in Albany I get the NASA channel, so I can see that shit from space. Or here's an idea, cut out the middle-man and go straight to NOAA.gov, there you can find the National Weather Service. They fly planes into the storm for you and then put a little red bar on your screen during reruns of Friends. Of course, if you're still around your television when that red bar starts scrolling the bad news, you're probably screwed anyway. That is all. I promise this is the last hurricane post unless I see the Blessed Mother in the radar.

Reminder: Most Guys Who Play Pro Basketball Are Pretty Much College Kids

Proof? Complaining about a dress code. You can't possibly be older than 25 and give this much of a damn that you can't wear gold chains to work. Calling it "racist" is just some kind of immaturity gravy.

("Immaturity Gravy" is my new band's name, by the way.)

Look, they're not asking you guys to wear Docksiders, khakis and golf shirts (the official White Man's Uniform). It's really not worth all the fuss. Especially when someone can counter your Race Card with a Royal You Get Paid Millions of Dollars to Play Basketball, Shut Up Flush.

Mick's addition: it's a damn travisty that this has gotten way more air time than the combination of highlights from all the NHL games from the past month. How many ways can you spin tall black men forced to dress well?

New Orleans Mayor Angry...still

Ray Nagin, mayor of a lot of dirt and rubble and buildings that have to be torn down, is demanding the NFL for a football team if the Saints franchise permanently moves to San Antonio. Let's just say he's demanding the "Cleveland model." and anyone who's been to Cleveland knows that this is not the model you want to be working with. Nagin says New Orleans deserves an expansion franchise in a league where the last two expansion franchises (the texans and the browns) have yet to really prove they belong in the league. The Texans have been a joke since the word go and are currently winless. The browns are from cleveland and have more desire to leave town than to stay and play football. But the overwhelming point of this is that what perspective owner is looking at this situation and says, "Expansion franchise in New Orleans, where the hell is my checkbook?" You'd sooner see the Mexico City Banditos than a team play in that below-sea-level hellhole. Oh yeah, what's the name of that team in Los Angeles? The..uh..the obvious place for an expansion franchise.

RE: Powerball:

According to CNN, the odds of you winning tonight's record Powerball drawing are actually higher than the likelihood of you giving a damn about any story that cites odds of unlikely things happening to you. That's right, there're more people in the world that will win $340 million dollars tonight than there are people who want to hear what their odds of getting hit by lightning are. It's true; I learned it on yesterday's Situation Room, where Wolf Blitzer had some guy pull balls with things like "Chance of Becoming President" out of a bingo ball tumbler and then told me I had a hundred million to one shot.

Two seconds in, I had a stroke. This led to aphasia, which prompted me to pronounce the segment "hamburger" when I was really groping for "retarded." Or maybe "waste of time."

If I win tonight, expect a far more expensive Drudge Siren tomorrow.

Dear Parents Television Council:

BREITBART.COM - Just The News

Children don't have money. That's why they don't have primetime children's programming.

Eat a dick,
Jon.

PS: Just because a show is animated doesn't mean it's for kids. I'm surprised nearly two decades of The Simpsons hasn't taught you that. Also, continue eating dicks.

PPS: One of the shows you suggested, Three Wishes, is about twenty minutes from getting canceled. Your seal of approval's about as meaningful as a Official Nintendo Product gold sticker, at this point. Oh, and don't stop eating those dicks.

Tom DeLay arrest warrant issued

Contrary to what he thinks, Tom DeLay is not above the law and will have to surrender to the authorities on conspiracy and money laundering charges. And, as expected, the Drudge Report was much more interested in Cindy Sheehan calling Hilary Clinton a "war hawk" than one of the most powerful republicans as of a few months ago having to visit the clink. but not in the way that you just visit jail in monopoly.

Tom Capano and the Law

Once so close...now so far

I'm guessing that only about two or three readers will know who Tom Capano is...but one of the bonuses of reading this is that we give the reader both national news and delaware news (when something actually happens here). Anyway, Tom Capano was a prominent lawyer in the First State. Then he slept with his secretary, then she dumped him, then he dumped her in a very different way. Needless to say, Tom Capano spends his days on death row trying to figure out how to get the hell out of there. And unlike many others on death row, he has the training to find a loophole in the system. There is hope for you Tom Capano!

however, there is no hope when white women are dead. Capano and his legal team believe he can get off of death row by claiming delaware's death penalty is unconstitutional. swing and miss, strike one. They are claiming that because only eleven of twelve jurors thought the murder he committed was premeditated or the result of substantial planning. The amount of idiots in a jury is about 4 or 5 out of the 12, and that's if you're really lucky. So i get the feeling that 11 out of 12 people agreeing on anything after the verdict is substantial. Anyway, i checked up on the US and the Delaware state constitutions, just to see if i could find anything that would even vaguely side with Capano...nothing of the sort.

I really thought this would be funnier, but it's just kind of sad to see a guy grasping at straws to save his own life.

Queensboro Bridge on Fire

New York Daily News - Breaking News - Queensboro Bridge closed by scaffolding fire

The whole of Manhattan's Queensboro Bridge is closed due to a fire that seems to have started in scaffolding atop the span.

I don't have any jokes handy (well, I did, but I'm betting half of Fark is all over quoting The Fifty-Ninth Street Bridge Song, and that was the first thing to come to mind), I just wanted to beat Fark to this, since their link leads nowhere at present. However, the fact that New York's DoT spokesman is named "Ted Timbers" elicited the smallest of giggles from me, as I find alliterative names outside of comic books and Rescue Heroes toys hilarious.

Drew Curtis misses the point

Rarely would i ever take a swipe at Drew Curtis and his beloved fark.com, which i check at least five times a day for weird news and updates on stories that other media outlets won't talk about. However, the 59th street bridge in New York City was on fire earlier today...a story that Jon is posing about at the same exact time that i'm writing this. Well, Drew posted in the thread section of the post...

"If a bridge caught on fire in Omaha no network would carry it...This isn't a slap at the submitter, it's a swipe at meda (sic) in general"

oh how the mighty have fallen. That's about the dumbest response to anything and the only thing i can think is that maybe he's trying to play devil's advocate. The media cover things that affect people. the 59th street bridge affects probably a million plus people a day...probably a hell of a lot more if it's out for an extended period of time. Omaha matters to about 70,000 people...I feel like everyone got the drift of this before i even started typing. Long story short, Drew's back on the drink.

This Just In:

Anyone who has ever used the term "McMansion" in any kind of discourse is a douchebag.

Jack Thompson V. Penny Arcade

You may know Penny Arcade as the occasionally funny gamer comic strip that also raises money for charity so as to raise the public's collective opinion of people that play video games. You may know Jack Thompson as a frothy lunatic that refers to Grand Theft Auto as a "murder simulator" and occasionally threatens to donate money to charity so as to make people that play video games look bad.

Well, they're fighting a little war. Last week, Thompson challenged game companies to create a game to his specifications, which amounts to some kind of ridiculous revenge fantasy: A boy kills somebody after being "trained" by a video game "murder simulator," which drives his father to go on a rampage, starting with the murders of game developers and their families, and then their lawyers, and then everyone at E3. If a game company built this weird little fanfic, Thompson would donate ten grand to the charity of Take Two Entertainments chairman Paul Eibeler's choice.

Of course, this is silly, as video games cost millions of dollars to create.

Penny Arcade pointed out that ten grand is nothing compared to the half a million they've raised over the last two years by way of their holiday-related charity event, Child's Play. Being sort of a dick, Gabe (aka Mike Krahulik), artist of Penny Arcade, emailed Thompson and essentially told him that, well, ten grand's a drop in the bucket.

At which time Jack Thompson called him on the phone to yell at him.

Since then, Thompson's threatened to have the police raid Penny Arcade for "harassment," (be warned, however, that link's to a LiveJournal, and I'm certain those aren't held to the same Strict Journalistic Standards that a three-man weblog is) though he provided The Man with an incorrect URL, retracted his offer to donate money anywhere, stating that the whole thing was "satire," and Penny Arcade has announced that they're donating ten thousand dollars to the charity they think Paul Eibeler would want it to go to.

This won't stop being funny for a couple days. Keep a look out for more.

(PS: This may well end in our first legal threat. Here's hoping.)

Baltimore Terror Threat

Police have just closed the Harbor and partially closed the Fort McHenry Tunnel based on terror threats they have received over the past couple of weeks. That's all the info I have right now, but rest assured that i will post again when more information is available.

2:00 edit...as of 45 minutes ago, authorities reopened the tunnels and have declared baltimore area travel safe. The specific terror threat was received two days ago and officials said there was concern that cars full of explosives would be detonated inside the tunnels.

CNN sucks

CNN just reported that there are other reports that Danica Patrick, shitty female race car driver, may have punched another driver (Jaques Lazier, he said to no one's interest) while in an ambulance after the two were involved in an accident. Now, this is Tuesday just before noon. I read this story Sunday night. It happened Sunday afternoon. Who, in the blue hell, posts a story that's not even been confirmed 42 hours after other media outlets have reported it and add nothing new?

Maybe that just pisses me off. I'm not sure.

Paris Hilton insane

Paris Hilton is under the assumption that no matter the state of her television show with FOX, she will be filming come november first. FOX cancelled the crappy show last week, in one of the first signs of good business sense from that network in years. Hilton, unfamiliar with reality, though she is a "reality" TV star, assumes that, i guess, her parents will pick up the production charges, both hiring and paying people to film and edit this show while it doesn't have a network to air on. Maybe the WB might pick it up, but i'm assuming that the three real networks still won't touch anything that's been cancelled by FOX. this is all assuming that Paris can find someone to replace Nicole Ritchie, since the last I heard, they still couldn't be in the same room.

Cheney will not run for '08 Pres

The New York Daily News is reporting that Vice President Dick Cheney will not be running for President in the next election. This leaves the republican party with...

Tom DeLay - the only way he'll be blazing the campaign trail is if he can find people to walk beside him while he's picking up trash on the side of an interstate with his chain gang buddies.

Condi Rice - a black female republican president is about as realistic as a funny sitcom on NBC.

Rudy Giuliani - I don't have a joke here, I just don't buy that people will vote for him outside of NYC. and let's face the fact that all Republicans need is a strong southern showing to win.

Arnold - If he was only born in America...

John McCain - Never, ever will this happen. Moderates are like assholes every party has one and you're always busy cleaning up after them. This guy rocks but getting him to play party politics is about as likely as getting him to play twister.

George Allen - Honestly not that bad a pick. He's not a celebrity, he is a party player, Virginia's south enough to maintain the southern vote but i get this funny feeling that Ben Affleck really will run against him in '06 and give him a scare for his seat. And if you let Ben Affleck win...well, just ask Matt Damon what happens.

Mitt Romney - Getting Massachusetts to vote Republican is about as likely as getting decent food at a Denny's.

And all this leaves Bill Frist. Ideally, republicans wouldn't like to see one of their high ranking guys give up his post to move into the presidency, but as you can see, there's so much drama in GOP.

The Actress Game

On Saturday morning i found myself at my best friend's house playing the Actress game with his sister Meg and his Dad. And may I add that Mr. Rahaim is not only a loyal reader but the Drudge Siren's first and last line of defense against impending lawsuits. Anyhow, Meg made a solid point that Cameron Diaz is possibly the worst actress alive, and anyone who was seen The Sweetest Thing knows how true that is. Meg then asked who could possibly be worse than that, and like a bolt of lightening i mentioned Drew Barrymore, but in retrospect, i have liked her in a few movies...Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and her bit role in Freddy Got Fingered. (Side note: anyone who talks ill of Freddy Got Fingered without seeing it should seriously see it...it may not be worth the hour and a half, but it's better than you'd think.) I digress, Mr. Rahaim threw out Denise Richards and he won.

My point is this: who is a good actress anymore? Which woman makes anyone go see a movie? The only ones i can even think of are Jodie Foster, Jessica Alba and Reese Witherspoon and they all make me vomit in disgust for much different reasons. Jodie Foster is a solid decade past her prime. Jessica Alba complains that no one gives her roles based on acting talent, but when you're the hottest thing on the planet besides the impending explosion of a chinese spacecraft upon re-entry, it's tough to be taken seriously. and Reese Witherspoon carved out a nice niche of making whipped boyfriends have shitty lives. And if anyone said Kirsten Dunst or Scarlett Johansson or Lindsey Lohan (shivers) should be included, check the box office totals...nobody goes to their movies.

Major point: Hollywood is about as terrible as it's ever been. And that's not just based on declining box office numbers...there's about a hundred reasons for that anyway. No good actors, the supposedly amazing directors are really glorified hacks, and there's no originality. None. That's provable too. I know this has been the nationwide mantra for about a year and i'm not breaking new ground by saying any of these things, but with every passing week that shows another kind of big budget flop (read: elizabethtown opening at three behind Wallace and Gromit for god's sake, domino pulling in less than five mil, and Al Pacino's new flick dropping to seventh in its second week.) The only thing i would miss about the entire movie industry falling apart is that i wouldn't have as much to complain about.

Ads on our Site

If you happened to check out our sight around 2pm eastern time, the four advertisement links by google were for Bullies, Bullying, the Dallas Cowboys, and NASA. When it really comes down to it, those are four of my favorite things, so kudos to you google for nailing your target audience.

Rocky VI and civil war have more in common than you'd expect

Rocky VI, years in the making since no studio in their right mind would pick up another sequel after that Tommy Morrison, Rocky V debacle, has finally been bought by MGM. I guess they figure people will pay to see a train wreck, however, by the same logic, they should probably pick up another Police Academy movie too. Anyway, in the new Rocky, an aged Rocky Balboa comes out of retirement to fight Mason "the line" Dixon. Oh yes, Sly Stallone named the nemesis after a geographical line splitting the union from the confederacy. And in this fictional world where parents name their children after early nineteenth century, vaguely homosexual engineering partners, those who dole out nicknames select the most obvious, unfunny of nicknames. This reminds me of the philosophical situation where a tree falls in the woods when no one's around...if you make up asinine nicknames for a movie villain that no one will ever pay to see, does it really matter at all? I'm thinking that's the kind of irony Stallone is going for.

Madonna Says We're All Going to Hell! Because of Sinning!

DRUDGE REPORT FLASH 2005

IT'S LIKE RAA-EE-YAIN
ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!

I Have to Ask:

What the Hell is up with you people and Danny Bonaduce?

I mean, seriously, half our hits lately are people searching for Danny freaking Partridge, and it weirds me out.

...of course, it won't stop me from tagging this post "Danny Bonaduce."

Technorati tags: Danny Bonaduce

Girl Looks Like Porn Star, Cries

Student bullied over porn lookalike - NSW/ACT - Breaking News 24/7 - NEWS.com.au

A girl from New South Wales (does that make her New South Welsh? The article does not tell me, and damned if I'm going to look that up) was found to look startlingly like a porn star. She found this out the hard way: When somebody sent around a video claiming it was her doing... things on film.

I frequently find myself thinking that, given the amount of pornography I've seen and the number of people I know, I'm bound to eventually see somebody taking a load to the face that I'm Facebook friends with. Some New South Welsh kids thought they'd hit the Knowing Somebody in Porn Yahtzee and did what any self-respecting boy would do: Copied ten seconds of the video and emailed it to everyone they knew.

Turned out it wasn't who they thought it was, of course, but, much like the mainstream media, who has time for fact-checking in the face of such a great potential story?

The highlight comes from her father, who, in a "warning about cyber bullying," offered this gem:

"Some parents may not have had the time and money to find the original video and their child's name would be under a cloud because they could not have proved them innocent."

Something tells me this guy might've enjoyed spending the time and money tracking down the original video. "Clearing my child's name" is my new euphemism for masturbation.

Technorati tags: Porn, Bully

week six picks

Week five was the week that i finally got on the ball and tried. 9-5, not too shabby. I'm trying again this week, so hopefully i can keep the winning streak alive. overall the drudge siren is 41-31, good enough for second place in the NL central. This week I'm including score predictions. We want to give our readers every possible advantage over the rest of civilization.

Week six picks

NY Giants at Dallas (-3) pick: Dallas
Coming off a stunning win against the over-rated eagles, the cowboys seem primed to give one game back to their division rivals. But i can't ever pick the giants to win because they just suck too damn much. Cowboys 31, Giants 21

Carolina (-1) at Detroit pick: Detroit
Let me remind you that Carolina is probably one of the best teams in the NFC and that the lions are absolutely unpredictable since they have Joey "mildly retarded" Harrington at the helm. That's not really fair to the mentally handicapped community, they don't want Harrington either. Oh yeah, check detroit's home record for the last three years and then ask me why i picked them. Detroit 23, Carolina 20

Atlanta (-5.5) at New Orleans...or San Antonio pick: Atlanta
I should have made my lock last week's game where the packers won by 49 points. that was a gimme to the gambling community, a rare slip up by the odds makers. It's tough to say that the Saints won't come out trying to get one back, but without a running game, and a shaky defense, you can bet your savings on Matt Leinart wearing a Saints' jersey at this point next year. Atlanta 35, New Orleans 10

Minnesota at Chicago (-3) pick: Chicago ***Don't bet on this one special***
I'm really tired of thinking that this is the week Culpepper is actually good. I'm convinced he's hurt and that he won't turn it around this year. Chicago sucks too though, so you see the dilemma at hand. If i could throw this down as a push, i'd go that way because neither team is going to put up points. Don't bet this game unless you have some sort of inside info. Chicago 13, Minnesota 10

Cincinnati (-3) at Tennessee pick: Cincinnati
the Bengals are coming off a tough beat last week, and that offense is too good to not rebound against a kind of sketchy team. I almost always pick Tennessee at home, but nothing in sports gambling is ever 100%. Cincinnati 33, Tennessee 24

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3) pick: Pittsburgh
With Bettis full recovered, the running game is too stacked. Anyone who says because Big Ben's hurt the Steelers will fall clearly doesn't remember that Tommy Maddux was once in the top ten quarterbacks in the league, and that was only three years ago. Steelers 31, Jacksonville 18.

Cleveland at Baltimore (-6) pick: Cleveland
You can't give six points to a team that can barely score six points. Cleveland has been much better than expected this year and the credit falls squarely on the shoulders of Trent Dilfer who has won with every team that's given him a chance to play. Cleveland 20, Baltimore 10.

Washington at Kansas City (-5.5) pick: Kansas City
I hate the redskins. I hope they lose every game. Here's for hoping. Kansas City 30, Washington 17.

Miami at Tampa Bay (-3.5) pick: Miami
Ricky Williams is back in the mix this week and i hear that "cadillac" williams is not. both teams thrive on the running game and Miami's just way better at it this week. Miami 21, Tampa 17

New England at Denver (-3) pick: New England ***Masterlock of the week***
How can anyone be giving points to the best team in the league? All season long too. New England 37, Denver 20.

NY Jets at Buffalo (-3.5) pick: J E T S
This game interests me about as much as a colon cleansing. i'll pick up a brochure, i might think about it for a second, it might be fun...but then i come back to my senses and realize that there are much better uses of my time. Jets 20, Bills 17

San Diego (-1.5) at Oakland pick: San Diego
I feel weird about this game. Oakland had last week off, but Sand Diego's playing so well now, though they lost last week. So i'm going with my heart. San Diego 35, Oakland 30.

Houston at Seattle (-9.5) pick: Seattle
Seattle will win, it's just a matter of by how much. Normally i wouldn't give the seahawks this much credit, but the texans really are shitty. Seahawks 29, Houston 7.

St. Louis at Indianapolis (-13.5) pick: Indianapolis
I love the rams in domed stadiums, it just scares me to think what the colts are going to do to them though. Colts 45, Rams 31. (a squeaker as far as the spread is concerned)

So that's it for week 6, if i were you, i'd call up your local book keeper right now and place these bets, i have a good feeling about this week.