Mick's triumphant return to the world of blogging....

...is with a whimper, not a bang. I've decided that i want to touch on a number of issues tangentially, so i'm going to throw at you a Jay Leno monologue of the week's events. Enjoy!

Hey everybody, how's everybody doing tonight, good, good...tonight's a special night, we've got some good jokes, we're gonna make this place hotter than a Dutch consulate. Eh, that's a little showbiz term for "add sugar too." Seriously though, have you seen this? have you heard about this? Muslim nations around the world are setting fire to a number of consulates and killing people all because of a Dutch cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad. The last time a comic was this unpopular it was called "Family Circus" am i right? Honestly folks, we're lucky to even be on tonight, rumor has it the NBC brass wanted to fill our slot with a whole hour of "The Office" ads making fun of the olympics. I've seen as much of Steve Carroll's face as the snow has seen Lindsey Jacobellis' face. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? American snowboard cross gold medal hopeful Lindsey Jacobellis was home free to win the gold medal race, but instead of snowboarding to an easy victory, she tried to do a trick in front of the grandstand, ended up falling and losing first place. The last time I saw a move fail that bad was at the Fantastic Four premiere party when Gary Busey tried to pick up Jessica Alba. Speaking of Gary Busey, have you seen this? have you heard about this? Gary Busey and Billy Zane star in the highest budget Turkish film of all time about American soldiers who capture a wedding party and sell them to an evil Jewish doctor who harvests their organs. Actually, here's a clip of the debate about this on MSNBC's Scarborough Country, hell, i figure somebody should see it.

SCARBOROUGH: So, he's playing actually a Jewish doctor that harvests the organs of Arabs. Can you think of a more anti-Semitic setup?

GRADY HENDRIX, DAILY VARIETY: Well, yes, I can, because that probably reflects poorly on me.

Where is Grady Hendrix, we need him on the NBC staff, we haven't had an employee be that edgy since O.J. Simpson...too soon?

Cartoonist Involved in Potentially the Largest Freelance Contract in History

Cleric Offers $1 Million to Kill 'Cursed Man'

A Pakistani cleric has offered twenty-five grand, a new car and the promise of a million dollars from an unnamed jeweler's association to the man who kills a Danish cartoonist, apparently unaware that the twelve offending Muhammad caricatures were done by a dozen different people. Granted, the cartoons have worked him into enough of a lather to offer money in exchange for murder that logic has long since gone out the window, but still, you'd think he'd do a little more background research before committing to game show level cash and prizes, because now he's going to be in a position of having to pay a million bucks to as many as twelve guys.

This is probably the most money that has changed hands over political cartoons ever, by the way.

Oh, and the next guy that offends me? TOTALLY A DEAD MAN. The only logical response to being offended is murder.

Actual Email I Just Received:

"DONT PAY THOUSAND FOR SAME SOFTWARE, WE SELL AT ONLY $15-60 FOR ALL SOFTWARES parents

find development side letters my bad. he did studied sandwich. happened embarrass turning young.
mischievous hard whom immediate.
he leader young,
wife whom money beautiful black slow.
use pride allow whom, nothing allow nothing edge."

It's like if you asked a schizophrenic to write poetry. It's almost beautiful, really.

Pimps Up, Shark Attacks Down

local6.com - News - Florida Remains U.S. Shark Attack Capital

Worldwide shark attacks were down for the fifth consecutive year in 2005, leading to one inescapable conclusion: the sharks are hiding, biding their time, plotting against us and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. If I've learned anything in my years of armchair newsmedia criticism, it's that sharks are nature's perfect killing machines, blondes are the most important creatures on earth if they happen to go missing and child molesters are hiding under your bed right this Goddamn second (provided it's a Sweeps week), so it's really only a matter of time before those toothy monsters of the deep work out how to use their flippers fins (happy, Bikes?) on land and start eating surfers, kidnapping Aryans, and touching kiddies' no-no spots cross-country, not just on our shores.

Quails Breathe Sigh of Relief in Texas

And they can do so because Vice President/Evil Scowl Master Dickface Cheney is a horrible shot. Or he just has an itchy trigger finger. Mr. VP was out for a weekend quail shoot with his 78 year-old lawyer friend, and it wasn't long before Cheney was screaming "MAN DOWN! MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!" You see, when your vision is obscured by the thick fog of war, you can easily mistake your elderly hunting partner with a pigeon-sized bird. Your average quail looks like this:

Your average hunter looks like this:

Or this:

Nothing says H-O-T-T hot like a broad in woodland camo with a lifeless turkey slung over her shoulder, but I prefer she were in the kitchen basting it for 5 hours. Delicious.

Bottom line: you put a gun in the hand of a man who dreams of war every night, and you're bound to get some hilarious/tragic results. I'd love to go in-depth on how hunters have ruined America, but I'll just say this: three-quarters of the hunters out there are Neanderthal yokels with chaw stains on their collars, a scruffy beard and a primitive mindset. As far as the mindset goes, Cheney is no different, and I can only hope this escalates into something much bigger, though I'm sure it won't.

CNN.com - Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter - Feb 12, 2006