Al-Zarqawi Captured, For Real This Time, By Death

AP - Iraqi PM: Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Killed

Adu Musab al-Zarqawi, the purported link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, was killed in an air raid, according to Iraq's PM. Al-Zarqawi has previously been the subject of several Maxwell Smart-style "missed him by that much" press releases, where military officials would spice up their after-action reports by claiming that they'd just about captured the wily terrorist.

Fun Al-Zarqawi facts:

Never got his own Iraqi Deck of Cards card. He just wasn't famous enough at the time, apparently. Had to've hurt, knowing that for all the stuff you blow up using rudimentary bombs strapped to fanatical youths, you didn't even rate being a Four of Hearts like the Minister of Higher Education.

Was perilously afraid of sharks. Luckily, he lived in the desert, so it didn't come up much.

(I seriously wrote this a solid nine hours ago and it wouldn't post until just now. I'm not that far behind on the news.)

Pat Robertson Won't Like This One Bit

BREITBART.COM - Senate Not Likely to Pass Gay Marriage Ban

Somewhere, the terrifyingly mustachioed nun who acted as my Jesus-school principal for a couple years is reading this with jaw agape, aghast that those sharks in congress can't do something as simple as deny marriage to gays. I, however, can't bring myself to raise sufficient ire on the topic to make angry signs or convince myself that two dudes getting insurance breaks after a civil ceremony will cause the end of society as we know it.

I think it's because I watched a lot of Jonny Quest as a kid. If you don't recall the premise, it was about two guys raising what I presume was a test-tube kid and a foreign adoptee. They didn't destroy society, they fought lizardmen and saw dinosaurs! If anything, the unholy union of Dr Benton Quest and Race Bannon improved their civilization.

Write your congressmen. Tell them that Jonny Quest turned out okay.

SIX! SIX SIX! THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST! HELL AND FIRE! WERE BORN TO BE RELEASED!

Apocalypse tomorrow? 666 arrives - The Washington Times, America's Newspaper

June 6th, 2006! It's... kinda... like 666... which may or may not be the number of the Beast, depending on whose translating skills you believe! That has to symbolize... something!

I swear, people who're looking for the freaking Rapture are just like ghost hunters, reading innocuous, normal stuff as signs of the supernatural so they feel big and important. Well, I'm not going to believe in ghosts until I see a full-on freaking Gozer turning my nerdy neighbor into a dog, and I'm not buying into the Apocalypse until Jesus shows up at my door and reads me the riot act for touching myself.

That said, if Jesus does come back tomorrow, won't I feel silly?

Bush Breathes Sigh of Relief; Marv is On His Side

MICKEY ROURKE - ROURKE PLEDGES SUPPORT TO BUSH

Contact Music once again proves itself the web's go-to source for unattributed celebrity quotes, this time opening a window into the very soul of Mickey Rourke. Rourke, who Bush reportedly briefly confused with Mickey Mouse or "that guy who whines about things at the end of Sixty Minutes" (see how easy it is to use quotes when you don't have to say where they're from? Journalism is fun!), says that "George is doing a hell of a job during very difficult times."

You can go to bed happy now that you know where the spokesman for former boxers and current C-list actors stands on this important issue. Adjust your voting habits accordingly.