The Drudge Siren

Emmy Live Blog

2007-09-16T19:02:00.000-04:00

11:10: I'd complain about the baffling oversaturation of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" in popular culture, but fuck it, that song's the tits, drunken college students doing their damnedest to ruin it notwithstanding. Sopranos wins, goodnight, Gracie.

11:02: Thank God 30 Rock won. If freaking Two and a Half Men did, I'd lose faith in... whatever nebulous governing body it is that votes on these stupid awards.

10:49: Dead People Montage: I barely want to live in a world without Larry "Bud" Melman, but one without him and Charles Nelson Reilly? Christ, bring on the suicide booths.

10:42: Two things: A) How don't you give Hugh Laurie a joke? He's the funniest person they have handy that isn't Elaine Stritch. B) If I never hear Sally Field again it'll be t-- hey, they cut her off and went to a static, silent shot. Thanks, Emmys!

10:38: Does it ever seem like Colbert and Stewart are trying way, way too hard?

10:30: I'm pretty sure the only people who watch The Amazing Race are the people who vote for the Emmys. Or the people who make the damn thing, since there are about nine thousand of them on stage right now. Way to drag, like, best boys up there, guys.

10:17: Elaine Stritch is funnier than everyone else on this damned show put together.

10:12: Were... were there any other nominees in the category Al Gore's heretofore unheard of website just won an Emmy for? Did they just make up a category to get Gore a cheap pop? Did MySpace Tom really lend this any credibility?

Tony Bennett, by the way, says go to Target. So get your ass up there, because that guy only likes things that're great.

10:00: Jesus God almighty, could we get a few more awards for miniserii, movies and dramatic specials? Not to sound like Lewis Black by way of Andy Rooney, but have you ever noticed that there're like fifty awards for this but Guest Actor, Actress, and Best Animated Series get bumped to the pre-show with all the Best Setting Up Lights for an Award Show awards?

9:48: To anyone who hasn't seen Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee: Spoiler Alert, the indians die.

9:31: Whomever this head of the academy cat is, he couldn't look more like Chicken Boo if he started pecking at the ground for feed.

9:22: I want one - JUST ONE - person to enter through that trap door like they were Rey Mysterio. Just launched out full-tilt, accompanied by fireworks and shitty music. BOOYAKA BOOYAKA SIX ONE NINE.

9:10: ROBERT DUVALL WANTS ME TO DIE.

9:00: If you're playing by the rules and have a black hole-like gaping maw like mine, Robert Duvall just cost you like three-quarters of a beer.

8:51: Tony Bennett's awesome, but this bit would've been a thousand percent more notable had they opened on Alec Baldwin pretending to be Tony Bennett. Incidentally, this has got to be putting Britney Spears on extra secret double suicide watch.

8:40 I hate to keep the joke pattern going, but it's Hiegl's come a long way since "My Father, the Hero"

8:30: Lowell wins Emmy, David Schramm kills hooker.

8:29: Thomas Hayden Church has come a long, long way from Lowell...Actually, nevermind I was thinking of Kevin Bacon.

8:26 Props to Katherine Hiegl for calling out the announcer for mispronouncing her name.

8:25: Jamie Pressley wins an Emmy. Yeah, Poison Ivy 3 totally paid off.

8:22: Paula Abdul misses a joke about her because she's clearly about to blow a guy.

8:17: Locke came dressed as a nightclub. And his wife looked like she was about to split open and reveal Quaid trying to get through Mars airport security.

Every time: fuck Ray Romano...and Jeremy Piven

8:05: Is Seacrest's tie made of electrical tape? Better question: Why is Ryan Seacrest hosting this? What did we do wrong?

8:00: AMENDMENT TO DRINKING GAME RULES: Drink whenever there are freaking animated characters on a live action show. Drink whenever there is a musical number. Hell, just start drinking and keep it going.

7:50: Thanks for the countdown clock, Fox, I'd totally forgotten when eight o'clock happened.

Emmy Drinking Game Rules:

Chug while the "Get Off Fucking Stage, Speechy" music plays
Shot whenever an "Ugly Betty" castmember appears on screen
Shot whenever someone whose breasts you have seen, whether in person, in print, or electronically is on screen
Shot whenever a winner thanks God
Shot whenever a winner thanks an agent or lawyer over a spouse or significant other
Shot whenever someone mentions that the show is "green" this year
Three Shots whenever a winner indicts a politician for any reason
One Shot per namedrop during a winning speech
Two Shots every time you actually laugh at something you were meant to laugh at
Shot for every bombed joke

7:40: In manlier news, the lowly Oakland Raiders very nearly just beat the Broncos in overtime, but their attempted field goal bounced off the top of the freaking goalpost, in flagrant violation of any kind of logic and, I think, physics.

Meanwhile, some people are wearing dresses made by other people.

7:35: Jon Stewart appears and college students everywhere shrieked because he's their mouthpiece. A mouthpiece that tastes like Craig Kilborn.

7:25: You think if Omar Epps asked for a ridiculous amount of money to come back to House, they'd call his bluff and replace him with Wesley Snipes? The irony would be delicious.

7:20: Do you think David Schramm wants to kill Tony Shalhoub? Or at least see him get badly hurt? Where's Roy's Emmy, huh? Where?

7:19: Joely Fisher looks like two bald men are struggling to get out of her dress. I stole that joke from Brad Garrett because just like Ray Romano stole his will to live by being the second least funny comedian in Hollywood.

7:14: The pre-show is in full swing, with a scrub squad of interviewers asking who people are wearing. I don't care, you don't care; I'm reasonably sure even God, all-seeing and everywhere at once, is ignoring this in favor of the late football games.

Quick note: I totally thought Denis Leary was Carson from Queer Eye for one baffling second.

7:00: The Drudge Siren, America's least productive blog, is live blogging America's least productive television season. A season where NBC decided it didn't have a budget for new sitcoms and decided to dump all its money into reality television. Hopefully we can continue this practice in futility, much like the Roman Empire right before it fell: weak, fat and really homoerotic.

America! Listen! This is Important!

2007-08-14T09:22:00.002-04:00

For many months have I talked about restarting this crappy blog. All it took to push me over the edge was the looming fate of a major black athlete.

So Mike Vick, thank you. You may be going to jail now that all your friends have turned on you, but you saved an occasionally funny blog. Think of us when you're strip searched upon arrival to your low security jail. Think of us when you trade your autograph for cigarettes. Think of us when people are watching you pee.

Does it make me a bad person that I really want the Cowboys to trade for him right now? Sure he's over-rated, but is this worse than Michael Irvin's cocaine habit? Is this worse than finding Nate Newton with two hundred and thirteen pounds of marijuana? A little, I suppose.

Newsflash: For God's sake, Wikipedia can be edited by anybody with hands

2007-06-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

Fox News is running with an "exclusive" right now about a mysterious Wikipedia edit that would seem to have confirmed Nancy Benoit's death over half a day before police found the bodies.

Here's the edit in question. For those of you unable or unwilling to click through links, I'll summarize, as I love you. Our intrepid internet wizard added "stemming from the death of his wife, Nancy," to a sentence explaining that Benoit wouldn't be appearing on that night's WWE pay-per-view due to "personal issues."

Now, this was one of a bunch of theories floating around that night - wrestlers no-showing is kind of a big deal, "personal issues" is one Hell of a blanket cause, and wrestling fans are occasionally given to bouts of rumor-mongering and hyperbole. "His wife got in a car accident" was the most common explanation for his absence, but I actually heard "he got home and his family was throwing up blood" more than once, and that's now a slightly less insane alternative to the truth.

Anyway, it turns out our anonymous friend, identified only by an IP address, was actually right, even if he was just groping in the dark or just repeating a rumor he'd heard on some backwater forum. Since a story about a guy who goes by "The Canadian Crippler" when he isn't going by "The Rabid Wolverine" killing his family and leaving bibles beside their corpses before hanging himself on his weight machine wasn't nearly sensational enough, somebody thought they'd have to add an air of freaking prognostication to the mix, and now a sentence fragment's been spun into some kind of wacky conspiracy theory.

The post came from Connecticut! WWE Headquarters is in Connecticut! Maybe they knew! And then ran an in-hindsight extremely poorly-thought-outthree-hour tribute to a child killer anyway, just to cover their tracks.

Look, anybody can dismiss the edit as gossip or rumor or blatant lucky-guessery, but it takes a special kind of person to think it's news. They went to the trouble of tracing the IP address' location, but nobody thought to, I dunno, click on the damn thing on the Edit History page? I mean, that only shows you every edit anyone's ever done from that address, which is a pretty good barometer of their reliability.

You take one look at this thing and through the magic of Internet Profiling, you know it's a freaking fourteen-year-old from Naugatuck, Connecticut. He edited the Government section of the Naugatuck page twice, once to swap out the actual mayor and deputy mayor for what're presumably the names of his buddies and make someone else the president of the "Board of WINNNNNNNGS" and another time to add a vice president to that same storied group. I guess to have an order of succession in place in case of assassination or impeachment. Point is, ain't nobody editing that page unless they live in or around Naugatuck. So that settles how I know where he lives - how'd I scientifically determine his age?

Well, he's edited the page on the African wild ass, and extremely endangered species, four times, once to replace the entire page with the word "piss." He's also edited Ron Artest's page five times, generally to point out that Artest is, in fact, a black guy in the most offensive way he can think of. So he's either fourteen or a jackass. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, I guess.

Point is, how the Hell do you look at that and think "damn, maybe the same guy who thought the world needed to know exactly how hard he wants to bone Stacy Keibler has some kind of inside track on this story!"?

Edited 6-29 to add: Well, I'll be, it was all a "terrible coincidence."

Taking a bullet for you, our readers

2007-06-22T13:21:00.001-04:00

We here at the Siren, when we can be bothered to post at all, post entirely for your benefit, dear readers. To that end, we have taken part in a cruel experiment, an experiment waiting to sink its ground-corn teeth into you when you least expect it - while you shop for groceries.

It's tempting, I know - you see a mysterious Doritos bag, all black and labeled with a callsign that'd be more at home emblazoned on the side of some kind've superplane the Skunk Works would've banged out to show Stalin what's what - but don't be suckered in by the air of enigma. Suffer not these chips marketers dare call "X-13D."

The gimmick's simple - you eat the chips, you make use of your tongue to divine whatever the Hell the flavor was intended to be, and you name them accordingly by submitting suggestions on the Doritos website.

The problem is, the chips taste like balls.

I mean, just utterly, impossibly bad. The closest to a compliment they received in our initial tasting was "they taste like Arby's." But even that was tempered by the follow-up, "until the aftertaste, then they taste like ass."

That said, I don't think they'll like my suggestions:
Edit: Two and a half hours later, and my hand still smells like these accursed doom tortillas. To put this in perspective, I've since washed my hands at least twice and eaten a tuna sandwich. When the stink of your chips cannot be defeated by the tandem attack of chopped-up fishy bits and soap, you've invented the food equivalent of mass murder.

Double damn it.

2007-06-15T02:57:00.001-04:00

Mr. McMahon hoax?

2007-06-12T16:59:00.001-04:00

For any of you watching WWE's Raw on Monday night or visiting the WWE website, you saw Vince McMahon presumably killed in an explosion. After calling every local Wilkes-Barre, PA hospital that would conceivably take a burn victim, I have come to the conclusion that Mr. McMahon is badly burned, but still alive. Stay tuned to the Drudge Siren for all the latest information on this possible hoax.

Bobby Flashpants!

2006-11-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

You're a homo.

NFL picks for week 4

2006-10-01T10:37:00.000-04:00

I'm so hungover that I can't write anything. Here are your picks without jokes or analysis.

10/1 1:00 ET Indianapolis -8.5 At NY Jets PICK: INDIANAPOLIS
10/1 1:00 ET San Diego -2 At Baltimore PICK: SAN DIEGO
10/1 1:00 ET At Buffalo -1 Minnesota PICK: MINNESOTA
10/1 1:00 ET Dallas -9.5 At Tennessee PICK: DALLAS
10/1 1:00 ET At Kansas City -7 San Francisco PICK: KANSAS CITY
10/1 1:00 ET At Carolina -7 New Orleans PICK: NEW ORLEANS
10/1 1:00 ET At Atlanta -7.5 Arizona PICK: ATLANTA
10/1 1:00 ET Miami -3.5 At Houston PICK: MIAMI
10/1 4:05 ET At St. Louis -5.5 Detroit PICK: DETROIT ***UPSET LOCK***
10/1 4:15 ET At Cincinnati -5.5 New England PICK: CINCINNATI
10/1 4:15 ET Jacksonville -2.5 At Washington PICK: JACKSONVILLE ***MASTERLOCK***
10/1 4:15 ET Cleveland -2.5 At Oakland PICK: OAKLAND ***WHO CARES***
10/1 8:15 ET At Chicago -3.5 Seattle PICK: CHICAGO
10/2 8:30 ET At Philadelphia -11 Green Bay PICK: GREEN BAY

NFL picks for week 3

2006-09-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

I'd gloat that I'm the greatest, but looking at my 12-4 record last week and my already gaudy 21-11 standing on the year so far, I don't think I need to say much.

9/24 1:00 ET At Buffalo -6 NY Jets PICK: BUFFALO
I think I can speak for everyone when I say, how is Buffalo this good? They could very easily be 2-0 after playing two playoff contender teams. Well, at least Miami used to be a playoff contender.

9/24 1:00 ET At Pittsburgh -2 Cincinnati PICK: PITTSBURGH
Pittsburgh looked bad last week against a really tough Jacksonville team, but you can bet they'll rebound at home. I still don't really buy the Bengals as an elite team, I still have too many questions about their defense.

9/24 1:00 ET At Indianapolis -7 Jacksonville PICK: INDIANAPOLIS
I know I just said Jacksonville was tough, but you're crazy if you don't pick Indianapolis during the regular season at home when they're only favored by a touchdown.

9/24 1:00 ET At Miami -11 Tennessee PICK: MIAMI
Miami hasn't done anything this year and I think eleven points is a little much to give a team that is quickly going down the tubes after two weeks. But. Tennessee is really, really bad. They have quarterback issues, they have running back issues, they don't have a solid wide receiver, they don't have a very good defense...Tennessee will struggle to win more than two games this year.

9/24 1:00 ET Washington -4 At Houston PICK: WASHINGTON ***MASTERLOCK OF THE WEEK***
A healthy Clinton Portis will regenerize this team that has played way under their skill level. Houston's bad, real bad, and the 'Skins might win this game by 25.

9/24 1:00 ET Chicago -3.5 At Minnesota PICK: MINNESOTA ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
I think this might be the week that Chicago comes back down to earth. Minnesota has been pretty impressive in beating two pretty good opponents, why not make it three.

9/24 1:00 ET Carolina -3 At Tampa Bay PICK: CAROLINA
Jon Fox needs to win this game. After a critical loss last week in which he blew the game with that senseless special teams lateral, this might be the earliest must-win game ever. I hate when people say it's a must-win when it's clearly not, but considering that they'll probably drop one or two division games and then blow a non-divisional game, if they lose this one as well, that means they'd have to win the remaining ten games and that's just not that feasible. Luckily for them, Carolina will win this one.

9/24 1:00 ET At Detroit -6.5 Green Bay PICK: GREEN BAY? ***WHO CARES LOCK OF THE WEEK***
Favre threw like he was 25 again last week. Expect it to continue against Detroit.

9/24 4:05 ET Baltimore -6.5 At Cleveland PICK: BALTIMORE
This is a game that worries me a lot. I hate picking against the Browns when they're at home. And considering that Baltimore has been stone cold solid on defense and Cleveland has very little offense, you'd be lead to believe that this game will be a roll over for the Ravens. Six and a half points isn't as much as Baltimore deserves to get...on paper they should win by 30. This looks like a sucker bet to me but I'm going with my brain instead of my heart and picking Baltimore.

9/24 4:15 ET At Arizona -4.5 St. Louis PICK: ARIZONA
This is a no-brainer to me. Arizona will play well at home now that they've got a team and a nice stadium. St. Louis still hasn't proved a whole lot to me.

9/24 4:15 ET At Seattle -3.5 NY Giants PICK: SEATTLE
The defending NFC champs...at home...against a team that will probably finished third in their division? That's easy.

9/24 4:15 ET Philadelphia -6 At San Francisco PICK: PHILADELPHIA
Man I would love to see the Niners win this game, but it's just not in the cards. Philadelphia got torched in the fourth quarter and overtime last week and they're primed for an upset loss, but San Fran just isn't good enough.

9/24 8:15 ET At New England -6.5 Denver PICK: NEW ENGLAND
Denver has not looked good so far, losing to St. Louis and then almost losing at home to Kansas City. New England may not be amazing, but they are good enough to take out an over-rated team.

9/25 8:30 ET Atlanta -4 At New Orleans PICK: ATLANTA
New Orleans is re-opening the Superdome, they're sold out for the season, they're coming in 2-0, things could not look better for them this game. But they're going to lose anyway.

I only picked two underdogs this week and I feel pretty crappy about that. The bookie's are being stingy in giving away points though, so here we are. Enjoy the football week and don't bet against me.

NFL picks for week 2

2006-09-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

So I went 9-7 last week. Pretty mediocre but I'm in the black. After some surprises in week one, I feel like I've got a perfect week in me. So let's get to it.

9/17 1:00 ET At Baltimore -11.5 Oakland PICK: BALTIMORE ***MASTERLOCK SPECIAL***
You can't spell "worst team in football" without O A K L A N and D. But seriously, how good did Baltimore look last week? I had a feeling they were going to be good, though I thought Tampa Bay would be a little better. Boy was I wrong on that one. The 4-3 defense worked to perfection and McNair looked like a servicable quarterback again. That guy's only a few years removed from sharing the League MVP with Peyton and nothing can revitalize a quarterback's career like a running back who can run through a brick wall and a defense that scores more points than it gives up. After a few years of mediocrity, Baltimore looks like it's back as an elite team.

9/17 1:00 ET At Indianapolis -13.5 Houston PICK: INDIANAPOLIS
Houston came out of the gates against Philadelphia, marched 77 yards down the field and David Carr threw a touchdown pass to his new number two receiver Eric Moulds. Then he remembered he was David Carr, was sacked four times in the second quarter, scored three more points in the game and they lost by fourteen. Indianapolis has won every game they've ever played against Houston, I'm pretty sure that's going to continue.

9/17 1:00 ET At Cincinnati -10.5 Cleveland PICK: CINCINNATI
Cincinnati makes Cleveland looks like a Ben Affleck movie. And not like Phantoms, I'm talking Reindeer Games bad.

9/17 1:00 ET At Miami -6.5 Buffalo PICK: BUFFALO
I can't imagine picking Buffalo two weeks in a row, but I also wouldn't have thought I'd be living with an Economics major from Germany.

9/17 1:00 ET At Chicago -9 Detroit PICK: CHICAGO
I still don't buy Chicago as a really good team. Sure they've got a good defense, but putting up 26 on the Packers doesn't impress me. Maybe the Packers should start their cheerleading squad, at least it'd be interesting to watch. Detroit sucks.

9/17 1:00 ET Carolina -1.5 At Minnesota PICK: CAROLINA
I got burned last week by both of these teams, but I'm sticking to my guns. Carolina is way better than they played last week and Minnesota was just a flash in the pan. I hate to pick against them at home thoug but here we are.

9/17 1:00 ET At Philadelphia -3 NY Giants PICK: NY GIANTS ***UPSET SPECIAL***
The Eagles are really good. There's no question about it. I still have questions about them though. Like, why are they running Buckhalter so damn much when they have a stud like Westbrook? Or how will they handle Stallworth getting double covered? The way I see it, Westbrook has got to be hurt worse than they lead on since Westbrook is such a threat to catch passes. He's the perfect compliment to a guy like Stallworth because now you have speed and hands coming from two angles. Reggie Brown sucks, L.J. Smith is always hurt and Buckhalter has terrible hands, so you do the math on that one. All that said, the Eagles are in more trouble than their 1-0 record leads on, I mean, shit, they beat the Texans, that's no accomplishment. The Giants aren't really that good though so this turns into quite the sucker bet on both sides. Their offense can't find any rythym and you can blame that solely on Eli Manning and a shaky offensive line. The talent is there, but it's not really fitting together well right now.

9/17 1:00 ET At Atlanta -5.5 Tampa Bay PICK: TAMPA BAY ***UPSET SPECIAL***
You heard it here first sports fans, two upset specials in a row. Tampa Bay got rocked last week by a revitalized Ravens team. You already heard me talk about the Ravens, but Tampa Bay went into that game so flat and that shows poor coaching, honestly. The Bucs defense is getting older, but it's still strong. This is where a team's mentality has got to comes into play. It's going to be a hell of an NFC South this year and dropping to 0-2 ain't the way to win the division like we all know Tampa Bay can. Atlanta played the Panthers real tough last week to win the game and shcok the hell out of me, but I still don't see them as a team that can roll over good defenses with any regularity. Put your money on Tampa this week because Jon Gruden won't let them fall two games back this early.

9/17 1:00 ET New Orleans -2.5 At Green Bay PICK: GREEN BAY ***SNORE FEST***
We all know Reggie Bush is as talented as they come, but if you think this game will be interesting, then you probably like musicals and Coldplay. Green Bay is better than they played last Sunday and don't get your hopes up in the Big Easy, this Saints' team will blow it like they do every year. Remember when John Carney missed an extra point that would have put them into the playoffs two years ago? Wow, talk about a choke artist, somebody get Greg Norman on the phone.

9/17 4:05 ET St. Louis -3 At San Francisco PICK: ST. LOUIS
St. Louis looked real good last week after I called them a joke. San Francisco is still pretty bad. I could see the Niners winning 6 games this year, but if they're going to do that, they've got to win games like this and I'm just not seeing it. Niners' fans can bank on them having a top five pick again in next year's draft.

9/17 4:05 ET At Seattle -7 Arizona PICK: SEATTLE
I think I'm going to pick against Arizona every week this year. Seattle was held back by a surprisingly good Detroit defense last wekk. The same will not happen again.

9/17 4:15 ET New England -6 At NY Jets PICK: NEW ENGLAND
This is a tough one for me, I think people think too highly of New England and not highly enough of the Jets. So the x factors in this game are that Deon Branch is finally off the Patroits, they can focus on football and Tedy Bruschi might be back on the field again.

9/17 4:15 ET At San Diego -11.5 Tennessee PICK: SAN DIEGO
This might finally be the year that San Diego does something. They've threatened for years, but they always fall a little short to Denver. Now Denver's blowing games against St. Louis and San Diego's getting 11 and a half points. It's going to be a blood bath, the Chargers might win by forty.

9/17 4:15 ET At Denver -10.5 Kansas City PICK: KANSAS CITY
There are two schools of thought on Denver: they are going to bounce back from last week's loss or they really just plain aren't that good anymore. I'm going with the latter, because I just don't see where there talent lies. I know about their running game, but the two Bells just don't do it for me, their lines on both side of the ball aren't as spectacular as they have been and they're getting older. This is a team that's grasping to try to make the playoffs on a down swing from years of limited success.

9/17 8:15 ET At Dallas -6 Washington PICK: COWBOYS
I don't think anyone would have thought that these teams both enter the game at 0-1. Dallas had spurts of effectiveness last week, while the Redskins just looked like they weren't the better team...against Minnesota. This pick comes a little from the heart too, Jesus was devastated last week when his Cowboys lost and He promised me that He talked to Drew Bledsoe and that things will be different. By the way, I was watching Trey Wingo on ESPN talk about how Mark Brunell was a fantasy sleeper this week because in his three starts as a 'skin against the 'boys he's averaged 281 yards through the air. Trey Wingo sucks. And he's wrong. The Cowboys are going to wrap this one up through defense.

9/18 8:30 ET Pittsburgh -1.5 At Jacksonville PICK: JACKSONVILLE
The emergence of Matt Jones, the questions about whether Big Ben will start and the fact that the Jags just plain play better at home are the three reasons for this one. Charlie Batch looked good last week after I said he wasn't fit enough to lead a girl scout troop or something. He's still not that good though, so cram it. The Jags seem pretty serious about making a run against Indianapolis for the division this year.

p.s. I finished this post at 12:43pm and I don't have time to go back and read the whole thing, so if there are grammatical mistakes, I'm so sorry about it that I'll let you kick me in the balls one time for every error.

It's Time to Pick some Football Games

2006-09-07T18:37:00.000-04:00

Welcome back sports fans. The NFL season starts tonight, which means that I'm back in the saddle again. You see, I took some time off to go play professional soccer in Europe. This is the only proof I can give to you, my German identification. I gave it all up though because I felt that people needed my football picks more.

9/7 8:30 ET At Pittsburgh -1 Miami PICK: MIAMI
Charlie Batch might not make my high school's football team. They won the state title last year...but I did go to high school in Delaware. You do the math. Anyway, Charlie Batch couldn't lead his team out of a K-Mart and they have automatically moving doors.
9/10 1:00 ET Denver -4 At St. Louis PICK: DENVER
St. Louis still doesn't have a defense. So they picked up La'roi Glover from my Cowboys, the last time I checked that leaves ten other mediocre players for the Denver offense to dominate
9/10 1:00 ET At Tennessee -2.5 NY Jets PICK: J E T S
You heard it here first, the Jets will be good this year. Their offense isn't really that bad. They have a better offensive line, a healthy running back and don't count Pennington out. Their defense doesn't suck a whole lot either.
9/10 1:00 ET At New England -9.5 Buffalo PICK: BUFFALO
New England isn't that good. The dynasty's over. I don't buy their running game and I don't buy their receivers, yet. Chad Jackson is dominant, but he's still a rookie, leaving Tom Brady to throw to Troy Brown, who's older Gerald Ford, and Ben Watson who...well, no one knows who the hell he is. Buffalo sucks something mean. Maybe the worst team in football. I might be wrong, but I'm probably right. Still, the point is, New England isn't good enough for a ten point spread in the opening game.
9/10 1:00 ET At Tampa Bay -3 Baltimore PICK: TAMPA BAY
Don't count on Steve McNair having a major impact on this Ravens offense. Jamal Lewis holds the key, if he can run for two grand like he did a few years ago, the defense will hold tighter and their four-three defensive change will take shape. But that won't happen, so I'm taking the Bucs.
9/10 1:00 ET At Kansas City -2.5 Cincinnati PICK: CINCINNATI
Just trust me.
9/10 1:00 ET Seattle -6 At Detroit PICK: SEATTLE
Detroit is still years away from winning. Matt Millen is awful, downright awful.
9/10 1:00 ET At Carolina -5.5 Atlanta PICK: CAROLINA
I like both these teams honestly. I just think that Atlanta's not as good.
9/10 1:00 ET Philadelphia -5 At Houston PICK: PHILADELPHIA
Houston blows and Philadelphia is better than people are acting. Strong defense, strong offense, give me a break. I hate them, but they're a super bowl contender, no doubt.
9/10 1:00 ET At Cleveland -3 New Orleans PICK: NEW ORLEANS
The Saints are too tough to figure out this year. Reggie Bush adds such a presence to a team that had no direction last year. Add Drew Brees and that's an offense all of a sudden. They still suck, but they're better than Cleveland.
9/10 4:15 ET At Jacksonville -2 Dallas PICK: DALLAS
The Cowboys just plain rock. There's no way around it. Jesus wants them to win this game. He told me.
9/10 4:15 ET Chicago -3.5 At Green Bay PICK: CHICAGO
Brett Favre should have retired after all that nonsense. Green Bay has too many question marks, Ahman Green, the receiving core, Charles Woodson....
9/10 4:15 ET At Arizona -8 San Francisco PICK: SAN FRANCISCO
I have a terrible record when I take teams just because of the point spread, but Arizona has sucked for so long, I just don't buy them being a good team.
9/10 8:15 ET Indianapolis -3.5 At NY Giant PICK: INDIANAPOLIS
Indy's too good during the regular season to not take them here. The Giants didn't really make too much of an improvement in the offseason. You can hope that Eli's going to come back better, but Tiki was takled about three hundred times last year and he's wearing down quickly.
9/11 7:00 ET At Washington -4.5 Minnesota PICK: WASHINGTON
Washington is really good. Minnesota doesn't impress me. Enough said
9/11 10:15 ET San Diego -3 At Oakland PICK: SAN DIEGO
Ah, San Diego, drink it in.

Alright, here's the deal, I rock at picking football games. My record last year didn't really prove it. I finished somewhere around the .500 mark. But that's what the deal is when you pick on a line. I almost picked the teams without a line this year, just to prove how majestic my picks are, but I said, "no, if you don't go all out then you're not Mick." And here we are. Enjoy the picks, go gamble with them. It's worth it, you'll win money. It's my personal guarantee.

Gone Again

2006-08-30T00:33:00.000-04:00

I'm headed to a wedding (our own illustrious Chris is tying the knot, God bless him) in the grim northlands of Upstate New York tomorrow, and I have only the vaguest idea as to when I'll be back. So head over to The World's an Odd Place, where I've put up a Best Of situation to tide people over until my dramatic return.

Because I Keep Forgetting To Do This:

2006-08-25T17:53:00.000-04:00

Bunch more posts over at The World's An Odd Place.

Still Alive

2006-08-25T09:09:00.000-04:00

Anyone there? Jon's moved on and Mick, well, he has no excuses. So two of the four chambers of the Drudge Siren Heart seem to have stopped working. But I'm still here, and you, the readers, are still here too (presumably). That's half a heart and we're going to make it work, folks. Here come's another poorly assembled post. Clear!

I only post when something makes me angry enough to get motivated. Lately it's been fat people or dumb women. This time it's New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Just to recap: fat people, women, and now a black guy. It all makes me sound like a worse person than I actually am, believe me. But Ray Nagin has wounded my New York pride, and I won't stand for it.

Nagin went on 60 Minutes and when asked about the delays in Katrina cleanup (as if he would be queried on anything else), he said, "You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed, and it's five years later. So let's be fair." Okay, I'll be fair, Ray: New Orleans IS a giant hole in the ground. The whole damn city is below sea level, which, in my book, makes it a hole. Holes are also often filled with dirt and/or dead people, just like New Orleans! The point is, the situations in NYC and New Orleans are completely different. I won't go into the differences because they should be painfully obvious. Suffice to say that the World Trade Center site was cleaned up in a year. No crushed cars still lying in the street, no rubble, no people living in government trailer parks. At this point, it's not even about reconstruction, because Ray Nagin can't even clean his room. Perhaps if the State of Louisiana and it's citizens stood behind the city, instead of, you know, running away, some progress could be made. I sympathize - somewhat - but making excuses only makes you look lazy.

Of course, New Orleans is a whole damn city, not merely a city block. But that right there is reason not to compare the two. Ray, the less you talk, the more likable you become. Leave my State out of your problems.

Keeping You Abreast

2006-08-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

More new ridiculous crap over on The World's An Odd Place.

More Newness

2006-08-01T13:49:00.000-04:00

I updated the other blog a bunch of times and forgot to tell you.

I'm sorry, Drudge Siren readers. I'm sorry like Mel Gibson is sorry, except I don't have a publicist to tell you that I'm sorry.

At Long Last

2006-08-01T09:38:00.000-04:00

Lightning! Thunder! I shall ruin many honeymoons this week! My winds are angry and relentless, and my rains soak you to your core! You will wish you never decided to stay at an all-inclusive Sandals Resort in Antigua! FOOLS, honeymooning in the tropics during hurrcane season; you will be forced to have sex inside on a boring bed, for the beach will become a wet sandy mess, and the hot tub filled with fallen palms and dead parrots. BOW BEFORE TROPICAL STORM CHRIS, for his wrath knows no end! Mercy will only be bestowed on those respectful of my potential for massive natural destruction!

How long do we now wait for Tropical Storm Biker?

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

2006-07-28T09:39:00.000-04:00

We're sure to get a lot of hits in the upcoming weeks, because I'm about to mention boobs at least a dozen times. And if tits aren't the reason for the internet, I don't know what is. The Pulitzer Journalism Award-winning magazine Babytalk has received over 700 letters to the editor protesting a recent cover because it showed a baby nursing at the breast. A HUMAN breast. There was no nipple, obviously, because it was in the lucky infant's mouth, but the letters poured in nonetheless. This reaffirms once again that people, namely women, are pretty dumb. The CNN article is a gem, as usual: chock full of terrific quotes from a few people I never want to meet. I'll point-counterpoint some of them for you because somebody has to.

-"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine." - First off, you're never fully shocked until Biker's given you the old 2 ITP 1 ITS, am I right? Breast-feeding is a pretty integral part of raising 70% of the children born in America, so if you're shocked to see a photo on the cover of a BABY MAGAZINE, then you deserve to have your baby-having rights taken away.

-Explaining concern over her 13 year-old sons healthy sexual development (so far): "I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that." - Wrong and wrong. A breast, thankfully, is indeed sexual. But a breast is also partially what makes us mammals. In fact the term 'mammal' is named after breasts (as most people know - mammaries or 'mambags'), so I'm going to say they're nothing to be ashamed of. And your 13 year-old DOES need to see that, unless you'd rather he was flipping through your husbands stack of Sixteen and Hairy under your filthy mattress. Further, when a woman's first reaction of a breast is as a sexual object, she's probably had more semen on her than the floor of Dream Girls.

-The editor of the magazine, Susan Kane, says, "there's a squeamishness about seeing a body part -- even part of a body part. It's not like women are whipping them out with tassels on them." Bravo, Susan, bravo. Hilarious. Although, in theory, it would be impossible to breast-feed with tassels on your nipples.

-"Gross, I am sick of seeing a baby attached to a boob" - said one reader as her 4 month-old coughed up powdery formula and longed for the sweet taste of real milk from his mother's bountiful teet. I'll tell you what I'M sick of: dumb bitches.

-"I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see." - This one is from the same woman who shredded the magazine so her teenage son wouldn't see it. Of course, what she doesn't realize is that there's no such thing as a breast her husband or son didn't want to see, unless it's a fat floppy one, in which case they're not looking anyway. Based on this woman's two quotes, I'm convinced she's straight busted.

Of course, some women wrote in support of the cover, the best one being from a woman who supports breast-feeding in public, but tries to avoid doing so because her husband is uncomfortable with other men seeing her breasts. That's one obedient wife. Excellent.

Our Deadly Star

2006-07-27T09:15:00.000-04:00

Run for shade! The World Health Organization has released a startling report: UV radiation from the sun causes 60,000 deaths a year in the form of skin cancer. And here I thought that the sun was just up there, burning away, fostering life, occasionally belching out solar flares and causing pretty auroras. And yes, giving some people skin cancer. Turns out I'm way off. The sun is a heartless malevolent ball of gas hell-bent on destroying the human race at a staggeringly slow pace. Something must be done! Thank goodness for WHO!

The report fails to mention the 6,530,853,975 people the sun doesn't kill every year.

On Hezbollah and Cloning:

2006-07-25T15:01:00.000-04:00

Spelling is fun.

Mammoths are, too.

Announcement:

2006-07-24T15:46:00.000-04:00

I have another freakin' blog. Yeah, besides this one and Facedown in the Gutters. Anyway, it's through a local newspaper and I can't crosspost stuff between this one and that, so what I'm going to be doing is writing for the new blog and then leaving a link to that content here.

Case in point: here I am baiting my way into some kind of internet jihad. Unless they've never seen GI Joe in the Muslim world and take comparisons to Cobra as compliments. You never know.

The Sea Was Angry That Day

2006-07-24T14:20:00.000-04:00

If only Hemingway hadn't blown his own head off, maybe he'd be around today to show his pride in this marlin. The vengeful fish put a fist-sized hole in this dude's chest and threw him in the ocean. Of course, I'd be pretty pissed off too if all I wanted a delicious snack and all of a sudden there was a barbed triple-hook in the roof of my mouth. The organizer of the fishing tournament said that people have been injured dealing with marlins before, but to have an 800-pound fish change direction, head directly for the boat, leap out of the water, impale a man in the chest and drag him underwater is "very unusual." Then again, most marlin aren't cold-blooded killers. Clearly the marlin have organized into gangs.

The marlin is charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. His attorney could not be reached for questions, as he is currently being sliced into thick juicy fillets in an underground Japanese fish market, where his testicles will be sold as aphrodisiacs for 7,000 yen apiece to poorly-endowed Tokyo businessmen.

Dear Newsweek,

2006-07-23T14:53:00.000-04:00

Your lead for the cover story this week reads as follows:

As the world's leaders gathered, the Middle East burst into flames. How President Bush handled the biggest foreign challenge of his second term. A NEWSWEEK exclusive.

Biggest foreign challenge of his second term? We're not doing anything! What about North Korea? What about Iran? What about continuing issues in Iraq? We didn't invade Lebanon, we're not going to try to help or hinder either party honestly because any outright military support of Israel is the final nail in the "we fucking hate Muslims" coffin. Everybody knows that we've helped Israel for years, but this isn't by any means our battle and certainly is not his biggest foreign challenge.

On another note, Newsweek's biggest challenge is apparently putting together any form of intelligent content. More like Shitweek, am I right?

I am right.

Stem Cell Research

2006-07-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

This isn't my point, but how do dominant nations lose their power? Over-expanding itself militarily and cutting scientific advancement. While I'm not trying to say that our military is over-extended, it would be if we were to become involved with the Israeli conflict, Iran or North Korea. But there is a reason behind everything we're involved in right now. It's based on foreign policy that goes back decades, not this bullshit "failing cowboy diplomacy" of the Bush administration that Time magazine needs to talk about to drum up slumping magazine sales. Bush has his faults, but I really honestly believe that we need to be in Iraq and that we will need to be in North Korea.

One of Bush's main faults, and it gets a disproportionate amount of media coverage is his outright betrayal of scientific advancement in stem cell research. I'm not about to get into the moral issues about it because I see the points of both sides. I believe that stem cells, the majority of which will eventually be killed off anyway, should be used for research. President Bush does not believe this. So stem cells that have not yet become fetuses should not be touched, but it is legal to abort them once they become fetuses. It's a very inconsistent policy. Abortion is by far more evil than stem cell research (if you were to deem it evil in the first place).

Secondly, cloning research and stem cell research are done in other areas of the world and we're falling behind scientifically. Falling behind is a bit drastic, I'm sure we're still far ahead of most other nations, but this is a step backwards or at least a step to the side instead of a push forward. United States research has been the trailblazer for at least fifty years, some might even say since 1941 when world-class scientists came from around the world to develop the atomic bomb. President Bush's veto of the stem cell research bill tells scientists that we're no longer interested in advancing our civilization and that legislative wrangling, contradictory policy and religious rhetoric are more important than saving lives.

The Drudge Siren is a forum for the masses to spread their opinion. And in this Cheerocracy, we would like to hear your opinions on the matter, especially ones that are against my argument. That way it will make me feel that much more vindicated when I retort and blow you out of the water. This is such open and shut policy that it's frightening that it will be killed by a veto after 63 senators voted for it.

BREAKING....

2006-07-18T09:57:00.000-04:00

developing....jesus has returned to earth for the second coming...developing...and his name is steve jobs.

Breaking News:

2006-07-16T13:06:00.000-04:00

Look what God did.

(I'm kicking myself for missing Satan's funeral, by the way.)

War in the Middle East, Gigantic Fires on the West Coast, North Korea in a Nuclear Pissing Contest...

2006-07-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

It's getting to the point where if you're a hardline fundie Christian looking for signs of the Rapture,you'd just give up on showing up for work because the world's going to end on Tuesday and what's the damn point in filing that stupid quarterly report if Jesus is going to bugger you off to Heaven Monday afternoon?

Just to Make Us Slightly Drudgier:

2006-07-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

Aaaah! Kill it! Send it to Hell!

2006-07-15T12:56:00.000-04:00

Free Mike Cooper

Mike Cooper, library masturbator, Ohio State fan, convicted public exposer. Well technically he just pleaded no contest and was fined half a grand. But the two month Mike Cooper saga is finally over and he can move on with his life. It sure must be tough to be noticed everywhere for that, and I'm sure he briefly considered shaving his mustache...but it's just far too glorious for that to even be considered. Thank you Deadspin for being all over this case so crappy bloggers everywhere can continue to talk about it.

2006-07-15T12:47:00.000-04:00

Masturbating Doctor

Since I never post, I decided to share this with you all.

Journey to the Center of Matt Drudge

2006-07-13T15:12:00.000-04:00

Looking down the barrel of full-on war in the Middle East, Drudge still has time to be furious that somebody would create a parody website based on his High Internet Scripture ('JOHN LENNON' PARAMOUNT/LIONSGATE MOVIE CAMPAIGN MOCKS DRUDGE REPORT...). Matt, we've been making fun of you semi-regularly for months, and we never get a link tossed our way (GODDAMN KIDS TAUNTING MY STUPID GIMMICK AT EVERY TURN). As near as I can tell, this can only mean one of three things: A) You have never heard of us. 2) Your reactions are so predictable that a movie company knew they could trick you into throwing up a link to a freaking commercial, thus netting them a giant pile of free publicity for next-to-no effort. C) You are actively shilling for this John Lennon movie while pretending to be disgusted.

Since we are internet celebrities of the highest order, A is obviously impossible. 2 seems fairly likely - you, not unlike the over-actively religious, have a problem with simply ignoring things that piss you off. C is probably giving you too much credit - there's a level of subtlety there that I don't think somebody who writes headlines based on how silly Chinese names are is capable of. So, for purposes of argument, I'll say you've been not-so-cleverly duped.

So, bravo, Mr. Drudge.

Bravo, las journalistas.

The World's An Odd Place

2006-07-10T21:35:00.000-04:00

What do you figure the odds are that an eighty-nine-year-old man driving a car through a crappy street festival in New London, Connecticut could injure more people than a building collapsing in New York City?

Obviously, they're fantastic.

If This Means What I Think it Does, North Korea is Screwed

2006-07-10T13:21:00.000-04:00

West mounts 'secret war' to keep nuclear North Korea in check - Sunday Times

South African Woman a Liar

2006-07-07T20:00:00.000-04:00

BREITBART.COM - South African woman lays claim to be the oldest on earth

She says she's a hundred and thirty four. In support of this claim is a government ID, issued in 1988, saying she was born in 1874. I'll remind you that there is no bureaucratic institution on earth more trustworthy than any government functionary in South Africa.

The Most Obvious Second Half of a Headline in History Follows

2006-07-07T19:01:00.000-04:00

Anne Frank diary burning sparks outrage in Germany - Reuters.co.uk

Those wacky Germans.

News Rodeo

2006-07-05T15:13:00.001-04:00

Rush Limbaugh Avoids Criminal Charges, Consults Doctor When Erection Lasts More Than Four Hours (A Medical Condition Known as Priapism): Turns out it's perfectly legal to have a prescription in someone else's name in the state of Florida so long as everyone involved know to whom the drug is supposed to belong. It's supposed to prevent embarrassment so, jeez, mission accomplished, Florida legislature. It's way less embarrassing to get detained for three hours by airport security than to just get some boner drugs in your own name like a regular person.

Ken Lay Has Heart A-tack-ack-ack-ack-ack, You Oughta Know By Now: The founder of Enron, who was refreshingly out of the news for a good long while now pending sentencing, has died at the age of 64. And thus, another millionaire avoids jail time.

Somewhere, Donald Trump is Yelling Incoherently: New Jersey's shutdown extended to beaches and Atlantic City casinos, both of which lack necessary state functionaries to stay open thanks to the state's hilarious inability to pass a budget. As ever, hit hardest were the elderly:

'Ruth Dodies, 77, of Philadelphia, stood at the entrance of the Trump Plaza Casino, simply staring at it.
"I never thought this would happen," she said.'

Good God, it's not like the casino burned down, Ruth. It'll be open before the week's out, more than likely. Buck up, they'll be rifling through your pockets for your Social Security check again before you know it.

Kim Jong-Il Whips Out His Taepodong: North Korea's launched a mess of missiles over the last couple days, some of which are apparently capable of intercontinental flight. If they, you know, didn't break all the time. Ever seen that picture of the earth at night? Note that South Korea has lights on, Mon-freaking-golia's apparently wired their ponies with electricity and it's pitch black in North Korea. Kim Jong-Il leaves that one light on so he can write up press releases for the next day about how he finished an eighteen-hole golf course in eleven mighty strokes, soundly defeating the balance of his foursome: Rambo, Chuck Norris and Batman.

The Most Disappointed People On the Internet

2006-07-03T17:44:00.000-04:00

Spaceflight Now

From the look of things, it's more likely I'll put a frog into orbit out of my backyard using the unlimited power of my imagination than NASA will launch the space shuttle in the next couple days.

You think that maybe it's time to retire what's left of the shuttle fleet? I mean, Mission Control is living in dire fear of vultures right now. Forty years ago, Apollo 12 was struck by freakin' lightning and made it to the moon and we've got to hide roadkill from four-pound birds to protect its grandkid?

New Jersey Gives Up the Ghost, Shuts Down

2006-07-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

1010 WINS - On-Air, Online, On Demand

Blah blah smells funny blah blah.

This more or less happened here back when I was a State of Connecticut employee. The budget froze, and everybody got laid off except for "essential employees," which somehow failed to include prison guards but kept me, a tour guide at a park that made something like four hundred dollars a week, gainfully employed.

So, yeah, don't go to Jersey thinking you can bet on horses, get stuck in traffic thanks to road construction, or buy a state lotto ticket today. Because you're out of luck: the state's closed.

Oh, To Be the Editor of a Major Metropolitan Newspaper

2006-06-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

From today's Hartford Courant:

I was ecstatic to read the June 26 Courant and see that Madonna dominated Page 1 ["Stage Presence"]. This must mean that we have global warming under control; the shootings in Hartford have stopped; our political leaders had all turned honest and altruistic; and there's peace in the Middle East.

No, it really means that The Courant thinks blow-by-blow coverage of what Madonna wore on Sunday is the most important issue facing us right now.

Thank goodness I now know she likes to wear black and earth-tone colors.

This happens, seriously, every time anything even vaguely not-hard-newsy takes up a majority share of the front page. Evidently, whomever is tasked with selecting the letters for the editorial page has a guilty conscience, feeling terrible when the paper strays into such unknown territories as "sports" and "entertainment" and therefore running missives from enraged locals so as to assuage his inner Jiminy Cricket.

Lord knows I just assume that we've licked cancer every time the paper fails to tell me that cancer still exists. Heaven forbid that the paper's slightly, I don't know, upbeat.

Maybe it's just the overzealous use of semicolons that's bugging me.

JonBenet Ramsey's killer dies

2006-06-24T13:09:00.000-04:00

Patsy Ramsey, the long suspected killer of her beauty-pagent daughter, died this morning of ovarian cancer. She was 49.

I'm just kidding about her being the murderer, the real murderer, the father (a blue whale), is still alive.

p.s. is it funny or sad that every time I read "ovarian" i think, "pray for ovarian?"

p.p.s. that is a one percenter.

How Did Child Molesters Find Victims Before MySpace?

2006-06-20T14:38:00.000-04:00

Teen, mom sue MySpace.com for $30 million

If there's one universal truth, it's that one does not lightly go into battle with Australian lunatics. MySpace.com is owned by one of the richest, and therefore most dangerous, of the Australian lunatic species, international supervillain Rupert Murdoch. If you're unfamiliar, Murdoch is pretty much the love child of Lex Luthor and William Randolph Hearst, a billionaire media magnate who can only be defeated by a combination of his own hubris and the powers of an orphan from beyond the stars. Or he's just a rich guy that owns a bunch of newspapers, websites and TV stations. Whichever.

Anyway, a fourteen-year-old girl is learning a valuable lesson in personal responsibility from her mother, who has hired a lawyer to sue MySpace, through which a nineteen-year-old found the girl and later sexually assaulted her. One could argue that the girl should have known better than going out to meet somebody she only knew on the internet (my God, does she not watch Law and Order or every third Lifetime movie?), but, then, most of us aren't in a position to make a boatload of money off this.

The girl's crushing lack of common sense is directly attributable to MySpace's failure to confirm their user's ages, according to the suit, and therefore entitles her to thirty million dollars.

A Lesser Man Would Go For the Easy "Pooh" Joke

2006-06-17T19:55:00.000-04:00

Piglet keeps Pooh off air - NEWS.com.au

Turkey's public television network, TRT, has banned airings of Winnie The Pooh cartoons because of the Muslim belief that pigs are unclean. Apparently, they get special cuts of the show wherein Pooh carefully cooks his friend Piglet on a spit and eats him, all the while telling children that pigs are delicious and that they're missing out.

Honestly, what's the rationale? Kids will see a tiny, effeminate pig and think "hey, he's wearing a wee little unitard! Maybe he's not as unclean as I've heard!"? I watched a ton of GI Joe as a kid and I can't say I've ever wanted to eat a soldier. Hell, I watched more Jabberjaw than I probably should have, and not once have I dove mouth-first at a shark.

Al-Zarqawi Captured, For Real This Time, By Death

2006-06-08T13:23:00.000-04:00

AP - Iraqi PM: Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Killed

Adu Musab al-Zarqawi, the purported link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, was killed in an air raid, according to Iraq's PM. Al-Zarqawi has previously been the subject of several Maxwell Smart-style "missed him by that much" press releases, where military officials would spice up their after-action reports by claiming that they'd just about captured the wily terrorist.

Fun Al-Zarqawi facts:

Never got his own Iraqi Deck of Cards card. He just wasn't famous enough at the time, apparently. Had to've hurt, knowing that for all the stuff you blow up using rudimentary bombs strapped to fanatical youths, you didn't even rate being a Four of Hearts like the Minister of Higher Education.

Was perilously afraid of sharks. Luckily, he lived in the desert, so it didn't come up much.

(I seriously wrote this a solid nine hours ago and it wouldn't post until just now. I'm not that far behind on the news.)

Pat Robertson Won't Like This One Bit

2006-06-06T15:04:00.000-04:00

BREITBART.COM - Senate Not Likely to Pass Gay Marriage Ban

Somewhere, the terrifyingly mustachioed nun who acted as my Jesus-school principal for a couple years is reading this with jaw agape, aghast that those sharks in congress can't do something as simple as deny marriage to gays. I, however, can't bring myself to raise sufficient ire on the topic to make angry signs or convince myself that two dudes getting insurance breaks after a civil ceremony will cause the end of society as we know it.

I think it's because I watched a lot of Jonny Quest as a kid. If you don't recall the premise, it was about two guys raising what I presume was a test-tube kid and a foreign adoptee. They didn't destroy society, they fought lizardmen and saw dinosaurs! If anything, the unholy union of Dr Benton Quest and Race Bannon improved their civilization.

Write your congressmen. Tell them that Jonny Quest turned out okay.

SIX! SIX SIX! THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST! HELL AND FIRE! WERE BORN TO BE RELEASED!

2006-06-05T20:20:00.000-04:00

Apocalypse tomorrow? 666 arrives - The Washington Times, America's Newspaper

June 6th, 2006! It's... kinda... like 666... which may or may not be the number of the Beast, depending on whose translating skills you believe! That has to symbolize... something!

I swear, people who're looking for the freaking Rapture are just like ghost hunters, reading innocuous, normal stuff as signs of the supernatural so they feel big and important. Well, I'm not going to believe in ghosts until I see a full-on freaking Gozer turning my nerdy neighbor into a dog, and I'm not buying into the Apocalypse until Jesus shows up at my door and reads me the riot act for touching myself.

That said, if Jesus does come back tomorrow, won't I feel silly?

Bush Breathes Sigh of Relief; Marv is On His Side

2006-06-04T22:06:00.000-04:00

MICKEY ROURKE - ROURKE PLEDGES SUPPORT TO BUSH

Contact Music once again proves itself the web's go-to source for unattributed celebrity quotes, this time opening a window into the very soul of Mickey Rourke. Rourke, who Bush reportedly briefly confused with Mickey Mouse or "that guy who whines about things at the end of Sixty Minutes" (see how easy it is to use quotes when you don't have to say where they're from? Journalism is fun!), says that "George is doing a hell of a job during very difficult times."

You can go to bed happy now that you know where the spokesman for former boxers and current C-list actors stands on this important issue. Adjust your voting habits accordingly.

Somehow, This is the Fault of the Gays

2006-06-02T23:16:00.000-04:00

wcbstv.com - Pat Robertson's Jet Crashes In Long Island Sound

A jet belonging to televangelist Pat Robertson crashed into Long Island Sound earlier tonight. The two pilots were killed though three passengers were rescued. Robertson was not aboard, forgoing traditional modes of transportation in favor of simply using his super-strong legs to leap between cities in prodigious single bounds.

Movie Time in Iraq

2006-06-01T11:34:00.000-04:00

CNN.com - U.S. orders 'values training' for troops in Iraq - June 1, 2006

What do you do when a bunch of Marines under your command kill 24 Iraqi civilians? In Vietnam you would have sent Playboy bunnies, but it turns out that not even hot wet bitches can keep one from killing women and children when you're living in a war-strewn haze of Typhus and opium. So the military got smart about things. Nowadays the soldiers are sent a video and Powerpoint. Lt. Gen. Peter W. Chiarelli has ordered "core warrior values training." That's an ORDER, Private! Let's see your core values, son!!

The Siren has gone the extra mile (again) to bring you an advanced viewing of some of the powerpoint values training. Aside from formatting, it's vertabim, I swear.

Do not shoot in the face.

Do not shoot in the face. (Either of them.)

Shoot in the face. What do you mean we're in the wrong country? No excuses!

Hey, Nice Marmot!

2006-05-31T20:05:00.000-04:00

BREITBART.COM - Big Rodents Overrun Washington Seniors

You know, between The Big Lebowski and The Princess Bride, I'm pretty sure I could do this whole post with nothing but quotes from movies, like That Guy at a party who contributes nothing to the conversation but Family Guy references and nervous laughter.

I don't want to be That Guy.

However, I'd very much like to be Dick Bain, 78-year-old action hero and savior of his housing development. Dick killed two marmots this past Friday by wailing on them with a shovel, a fitting end to the Rodents of Unusual Size and an act of vengeance on behalf of an embarrassed friend who had previously been assaulted by their damp, furry brothers.

Evidently, local ordinances prohibit shooting marmots but say nothing about shoveling the little bastards.

Chinese Boy Born With Incredible Juggling Talent

2006-05-31T15:57:00.000-04:00

BBC NEWS | Health | Three-armed boy to have surgery

A boy named Jie-Jie, which loosely translates from the Chinese to "Holy Jumpin', That Kid Has Three Arms," is steeling his wee little extralimbed self for a planned amputation. Were he born in a comic book, the spare arm would be grounds for inclusion in the Mutant Liberation Front, just like a slightly-less-capable Forearm.

(Get it? Four arms... Forearm! Comic book writers are virile men who breed mercilessly and without end and were never, ever mocked in high school, I swear to God.)

Pat Robertson Wrestled the Sun and Punched Out the Moon

2006-05-26T22:31:00.000-04:00

Pat Robertson Can Leg-Press Two Thousand Pounds

Pat Robertson, at the dawn of time, said "let there be light," but light was so scared of Pat Robertson that it remained in hiding until the comparatively less-terrifying Old Testament God made the same request several days later.

Pat Robertson is a panther that turns into a jet.

Pat Robertson was the inspiration for the show "Knight Rider," which is based on how he spent much of the early 1980s: wandering the country righting wrongs as a talking car with David Hasselhoff riding inside him.

Pat Robertson called Teddy Roosevelt a sissy and the Bull Moose could do nothing but cry.

Pat Robertson can travel time through sheer force of will. You may know him better as "Jesus Christ."

Pat Robertson rides a dragon to work every day. Each night, he feeds that dragon three leprechauns, which he specially breeds by bedding a harem of Irish dwarves each night.

Pat Robertson named the Childlike Empress.

Pat Robertson killed Hitler. With syphilis.

Kingston? That's Just One of My Names

2006-05-26T22:15:00.000-04:00

Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale have baby boy - Yahoo! News

Not that any of you care, but Gavin Rossdale, ambisexual creepshow frontman of Bush and Gwen Stefani, the rest of No Doubt's former mealticket, have had a kid. They named it Kingston James McGregor Rossdale because if you're a celebrity and you don't want to give your kid a ridiculous name, you may as well give him three passable ones.

Anyway, the only reason I even noticed this is Drudge's headline: "Stefani Births..." "Births"? Is she a zoo animal? Perhaps I'm alone here, but I tend not to see that particular verb form applied to human females.

ACME Makes Police Cars

2006-05-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

WNEP - Trooper Stuck in Concrete During Chase

AJ: read the first paragraph
AJ: it's the best news story EVER
Me: Holy fuck, was he chasing Wile E. Coyote?

Churches Really Need To Start Looking The Other Way

2006-05-25T13:06:00.000-04:00

BBC NEWS - Madonna defends mock crucifixion

You'd think, by now, that churches would realize that Madonna's just an attention whore and isn't really worth all this constant complaining. Oh no, she did some other stupid controversial thing! Quick, hop to with an angry letter! That'll show her! Just like all the other angry letters we've sent!

So she strapped herself to a cross. Sure, even she can't really seem to explain why - the closest she came to that was to say that she doesn't think "Jesus would be mad at [her] and the message [she's] trying to send" - and you'd imagine that'd be a solid tip-off that she might be co-opting offensive imagery solely to garner attention. Because that's so absolutely outside her wheelhouse. I mean, when has Madonna ever done something that basically translates to "hey! Hey! Look at me! Yoooou're noooot loooooking!"? I know, it's totally out of the blue. She's been such a demure, quiet sort for the last, I don't know, two and a half decades.

School District to Grievously Overstep Bounds

2006-05-23T13:11:00.000-04:00

School District to Monitor Student Blogs - Yahoo! News

A school district in Illinois has enacted a rule allowing it to punish students for "illegal or inappropriate" content on blogs or MySpace. When asked if this policy was an invasion of privacy, Associate Superintendent Prentiss Lea replied "the concept that searching a blog site is an invasion of privacy is almost an oxymoron. It is called the World Wide Web."

"World Wide Web," it should be noted, is considered synonymous with "school board can do whatever they want," in some parts of the American midwest. Without mentioning that strange bit of flyover colloquialism, it almost sounds as if Lea didn't have a point at all, and that's impossible; he's on the school board, and is therefore infallible.

Photo Caption contest!!!

2006-05-20T16:42:00.000-04:00

Recently, rare Civil War photographs were released by the Library of Congress. This one is of two black soldiers taken sometime during the 1860s. We don't do...any contests on this website, so it's time to start. Put your caption of what the black soldier on the right is thinking in our comments section. The winner will be the official Drudge Siren reader of the week and win the admiration of the masses.

Remember, the more offensive, the better we'll like it.

The Players All Share Ticket Sale Receipts Equally

2006-05-20T14:18:00.000-04:00

OLearysCowmedian: Who's playing the Tigers, by the way?
p00isharkd: the reds
p00isharkd: communists, i mean
OLearysCowmedian: Hah hah.
OLearysCowmedian: Oh, man, I'd totally buy a Cincinnatti Communists hat.
p00isharkd: ha ha
p00isharkd: who wouldn't?
OLearysCowmedian: Jack Kennedy.

Going the extra mile for a crappy joke:

Susan Sarandon....

2006-05-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

has never, ever been influential. No one cares that she doesn't support Hillary Clinton in her upcoming NY Senate race.

Duke Apparently Has Campus, Basketball Team in Italy

2006-05-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

Briton 'gang-raped by Italian sports stars' | the Daily Mail

Ah, the easy Duke joke. I feel terrible for having made it. For better or for worse, you say "happy" and I'll say "birthday" and if you say "rape" I'll say "Duke." It's the media's fault, really.

Barry Bonds can't break Ruth's record

2006-05-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

As any casual sports fan knows, Barry Bonds is about to break Babe Ruth's home run total of 714. While Hank Aaron hit 755, this record is almost more important because of Ruth's enormously huge role in making baseball a nationally viable sport...and he's white. Anyway, Bonds has been stuck at 713 for the past seven games and 31 plate appearances. Many, including ESPN ("Bonds sits on 713, ghost of Babe Ruth 'hovers'"), have indicated that the Babe Ruth is present and making a strong push to stay in second place place in the all-time home runs list.

My take on it is that Barry Bonds is one of the most dispicable human beings who ever played the game. Even more than Ty Cobb, who spoke out against black people, sharpened his spikes to injure opponents, bet on baseball games he played in and would probably beat up the baby Jesus if he had the chance. Bonds is just a straight up dick. There's no way around it. He has no idea how to handle the media, he clearly took steroids though he still claims he didn't, he gave steroids to Gary Sheffield when Shef wasn't playing very well and, possibly most telling, seperates himself from his own team on roadtrips. This is an inside story for you guys. I know friends of friends with Wayne Franklin who used to pitch for Barry's team and he said that Barry has a separate changing area in the Giants locker room with a big screen TV. Some guys got together and bought a remote for the TV and used to turn it off from outside his room every now and then to piss Barry off. When he found out who it was, he got them suspended from the team for a few days. Not to mention that he had a fight with Jason Christiansen, commonly regarded as a good guy, and the Giants traded Christiansen to the Angels to appease Barry. So it's not Ruth's ghost that's stopping Bonds from breaking this mark, it's Jesus' desire to bring about Earthly justice.

Edit from Jon: Last night's SportsCenter had a highlights package of a Giants/Astros game, final score: 14-3. That's seventeen runs between the two teams, with exactly one of them driven in by Bonds. However, the entire run of clips was Bonds fouling balls off, hitting flies and getting plunked by Russ Springer. I have no idea how the other runs happened and ESPN didn't tell me, as they were too busy sloppily fellating Barry Bonds. Maybe this only bothers me, I don't know.

Edit from Chris: A friend of a friend told me that Barry Bonds roars like a dinosaur when he is being sloppily fellated.

My Jesus Rollerskates, My Jesus Has a Head Made of Asparagus

2006-05-15T14:17:00.000-04:00

Divine Vegetation In Tutors Garden (from News Shopper)

A British man pulled a dead asparagus plant from its pot only to find that the root system had molded itself into an incredible likeness of traditional depictions of Jesus Christ. Normally, I don't much care when Jesus pops up on toast or in oil stains on a driveway, but this ball of dirt really does look quite a bit like it's judging me for touching myself and skipping church to sleep in. Sometimes at the same time.

Teaching is Fun Until You Ask Your Students to Write About Who They'd Kill

2006-05-15T13:35:00.000-04:00

abc13.com: Teacher apologizes for asking students to write about who they'd kill

Michael Maxwell, an industrial drafting teacher (and, from the sound of that thoroughly alliterative name, a masked crime-fighter by night in a 1960s Marvel comic), asked his high school students to write a paper about who they'd like to kill and how they'd get away with it. The article doesn't provide any examples of what the kids turned in and since there's no follow-up with a headline like "STUDENT WRITES DETAILED ASSASSINATION PLOT; BLAMES TEACHER," I'll have to imagine that the responses were less than inspired.

In sixth grade, I was made to read a book about a guy in prison and then asked to write a paper detailing how I would escape said prison. My grade was, I swear to God, "I hope you only use your powers for good and not evil." Point is, I can think of a couple ways such an assignment could legitimately come up, but none of them involve an industrial drafting class.

Ah, Racism.

2006-05-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

WLTX News 19 Reading, Writing and Race

As ever, Drudge's lede is more entertaining, if just for its comparative lack of subtlety: "HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER: BLACKS ARE INFERIOR TO WHITES." Caps his, as I'm sure he was yelling it aloud when he typed it.

It isn't even a matter of political correctness, at this point. You'd think it'd go without saying that a phrase like "blacks are inferior to whites" had better be followed with something like "when it comes to getting sunburned" or "at being born naturally blond" unless you're asking for trouble.

CIA: Corrupt Intelligence Assholes

2006-05-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

Remember a few posts back when Mick mentioned the widespread FBI investigation into a federal contract scandal in the CIA? Well, the feds are searching CIA's third-in-command Kyle Foggo's home and office as I type (well, maybe they're done already, but it sounds dramatic). So we'll see what pops up.

Funny thing is, CNN still fails to make the connection between this investigation and Porter Goss' resignation. Sure, it's speculation, but come on CNN, entertain us a little. You're good for little else, after all.

Best quote of the article: "FBI agents also have been investigating whether Wilkes provided Cunningham with prostitutes, limousines and hotel suites." Not THAT'S my kind of federal agency. You just don't see this stuff in the Department of Agriculture.

On Cold, Lonely Days When I Am Violently Ill, I Sometimes Wish I Was Dan Brown

2006-05-11T14:05:00.000-04:00

BREITBART.COM - Greek Orthodox church slams Da Vinci Code

The Da Vinci Code is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a good book. It is, however, an intensely marketable one. Why? Because religious people have a real problem simply ignoring things that bother them. They always feel the need to make signs and picket things. I swear, if I picketed everything that pissed me off, I'd have long since wandered the surface of the earth while chanting pithy rhymes. Anyway, all protesting does is draw attention to whatever it is you hate. I, for one, only read The Da Vinci Code because it was so widely panned as an insidious tool of the devil. My tiny sense of rebellion is sparked by things like that, and I know I'm not alone on that front.

I didn't want to get into this for any number of reasons, but Drudge has had this headline plastered all up in his grill for two days now, so I suppose it's my job as a Pretend Media Watchdog to roll up my pants and wade into the muck of religious debate.

"From a religious and historical point of view the content of the book is wholly false," trumpets a pamphlet the Greek Orthodox Church is giving away this coming Sunday, to which I say: work of fiction, guys. It doesn't have to be anywhere near correct, it has no burden of truth to maintain, it just needs to suspend disbelief for a few hundred pages. Hell, have you ever seen a cryptographer solve a crime in real life? That son of bitch Brown is lying through his teeth about that, too!

Also, I can't quite work out how saying Jesus might have had kids (in a work of, need I remind you, fiction) is a concerted effort on Dan Brown's part to " damage faith in the church and in Christ, as perfect God and perfect man." God had a kid (kind of. Jesus is both the son of God and God Himself, but for semantics sake, roll with me), and he's still a "perfect God." Adam, who was created as a "perfect man," had kids (who all lived an absurdly long time, with the notable exception of Abel, anyway). That part of the book is one I wouldn't even bother attacking, honestly. I'd go after the fact that it's written like a terrible Saturday afternoon movie serial, with one baffling cliffhanger and awkward flashback after another, before I started arguing points that neither side could possibly prove without having Jesus pop up and sort things out for them ("yeah, that's Jesus, Jr. Mostly call him 'JJ.' He's a real firecracker, that one. Takes after his mother").

Now, their other point is slightly more salient: "[The Da Vinci Code] also attacks the church, directly accusing it of lying and deceiving the faithful." I can't much argue that one, aside from saying, again, work of fiction. If you don't have enough faith in the faith of your flock, then you aren't doing a terribly good job preaching. Seriously, if Dan Brown is chasing your parishioners away, you're doing something wrong. The man isn't a Pied Piper, for God's sake, he's a hacky suspense writer. It's like if clowns got together and bitched out Stephen King for ruining their image in It.

They should be overjoyed that people are only questioning their faith because of a faintly crappy book and not because the government is lighting Christians on fire for sport. Way easier to get somebody to come back to the church after they've seen a Ron Howard film than if they're still tied to a Roman lamppost and burned to cinders, after all.

He Ain't Heavy, wait, Yes He Is

2006-05-09T12:05:00.000-04:00

One year ago, Steve Vaught of San Diego weighed in at 410 pounds (approximately one baby elephant). He decided to walk across the country. Now he weighs 305. Losing 100 pounds is no easy task, but you'd think he'd be able to lose more after a 3000-mile stroll. Of course, he pounded the Big Macs the whole way because, apparently, there are no grocery stores with fresh produce, meats, and grains between California and New York. Mr. Vaught says "People try to make this about calories and scales, but this is about living your life." That's right, Steve, people do, people like me. And guess what? It is about calories and scales, and you're still fat. Hate to burst your lipid-filled bubble, but keep on walking back to the left coast. I guess if you beat your depression, that's great, but now it's time to tackle that food addiction: PUT DOWN THE FORK.

I lost all tolerance for fat people a long time ago. All they do is eat too much and kill our grandparents. It's true, read the article.

Porter Goss resigns from CIA, does not resign from being creepy

2006-05-06T11:59:00.000-04:00

Porter Goss resigned today as director of the CIA. He always seemed like a nice dude to me, just with a splash of weird. Anyway, he booted himself because he wasn't getting along with that criminal John Negroponte (to expound on that, Negroponte neglected the dying masses in Honduras and tried to sweep it under the rug while he was ambassador there). Negroponte now is the National Intelligence Director...very fitting. Anyway, back to my man Porter, just to clarify that something fishy was going down and to add some creepy, Goss said his resignation was, "just one of those mysteries." Yeah, take that American intelligence.

Mick edit: ...Or maybe I'd find out hours later that Porter Goss was rumored to be involved in the same bribe scandal that "Duke" Cunningham was lit up for. And possibly there's a widespread FBI investigation about the whole matter. Also, it apparently happened more often than not at the Watergate. I live in DC and the Watergate's cool, but it's not that cool. You'd think politicians would learn their lesson that bad things happen there.

Just for the Record

2006-05-04T17:33:00.000-04:00

Joe Biden Rocks.

Most Republicans suck.

Do research and you will come to a similar conclusion.

Patrick Kennedy drunk driving?

2006-05-04T17:22:00.000-04:00

Hey, I know a few things about traffic accidents and when you're driving at 2:45am on a Thursday morning without your lights on, swerve to miss a cop car and run into a security fence there is absolutely no chance you were intoxicated. Seeing stuff late at night is tough. That's why we sleep then. This man, working for American freedom in a poor southeast neighborhood of Washington DC, was advancing mankind, not committing a crime.

Besides, when you're Ted Kennedy's son, it should be illegal for you to drive sober. Or maybe they could pull over a Kennedy and give them a firm handshake if they appear to be operating a vehicle without the benefit of alcohol.

By the way, Patrick Kennedy's a Democratic rep from Rhode Island. The Drudge Siren will always be known for our attention to even the smallest detail.

Zarqawi poor shooter, loves New Balances.

2006-05-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

In the Arab version of MTV Cribs, a video with terrorist mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi just hanging out has surfaced. He walks around badmouthing the United States and starts shooting his machine gun near a white pickup truck in the middle of a field. Though he hates American values and commercialism, you just can't beat the comfort of a New Balance shoe though, and he rocks them well in his black head to toe garb. Black is the new black in the Middle East. Also, American experts say his machine gun accuracy is subpar. But when you think about it, he's not killing specific people...just whoever he can, so what should that matter? America also claims Zarqawi chooses poor aides and has a small penis.

Drudge Has Whipped Out The Siren!

2006-05-03T15:51:00.000-04:00

We're forty minutes ahead of the scheduled reading of terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui's death penalty verdict, and Drudge is working me into a fervor with his spinning lights and lack of useful information! Thank God there's more than one news source on the internet!

Be sure to check more reputable news outlets than this one to hear the exciting conclusion. 4:30 Eastern.

UPDATE @ 4:35EST: Life in prison, no possibility of parole.

PS: Wolf Blitzer's facial hair doesn't look so much like a beard as it does a light dusting of confectioner's sugar left behind by a jelly donut.

Half a Ton of Tacos

2006-05-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

What does it take to bring me out of the no-post slump I've been in for over a month? How about the fattest man in the world? Sure, I'll cover that. A Mexican human wasteland who's estimated weight is 1200 pounds will be travelling to Italy for gastric bypass surgery. Why estimated? Well, apparently Mexico lacks the necessary scales to measure such a man, and they're using the circumference of various body parts to figure it out. I don't see why a truck weigh station on the highway wouldn't work, though. Upon reading the article please note that Manuel weighs as much as not one, not two, not even three baby elephants. He doesn't even weigh the same as four baby elephants. No, Manuel's weight is equivalent to FIVE baby elephants. It seems to me that baby elephant isn't the best unit to work with here. Perhaps saying he weighs as much as a horse or half a bison would be more adequate. Or they could have gone with the always informative tumor-fruit method, and said he weighs the same as 600 cantaloupes, or perhaps 1005 grapefruits. Also note that his Mexican doctor says that "in strict terms, he's well" because Manuel's heart seems to be okay. I didn't go to Central American medical school, but I always thought weight was a pretty distinct, "strict" indicator of one's general health. In strict terms, I'd say Manuel is a giant fatass.

Can you really be not guilty if you make a plea deal?

2006-04-28T19:43:00.000-04:00

If you're a big name Republican radio voice, you can plead not guilty, settle out of court but continue to maintain your innocence. Rush Limbaugh, the number one example of why talk radio is garbage, was accused of buying illegal drugs without a perscription. He pleaded not guilty today, but settled for what boils down to probation, agreeing to attend a drug treatment program. So, the Drudge headline saying "NOT GUILTY" is sort of misleading. It would be shocking if Matt Drudge spun another story towards Republicans, but I think he's done it. Maybe Limbaugh is not guilty but decided to take probation anyway to make up for all the Democrats that get off easy. Or maybe this is one of those situations where philosophy takes over and this is a case where something exists on one level but not on another. Either way, those crafty Republicans are at it again.

Lobsters Pets in Eyes of Italian Law

2006-04-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

Italy restaurant fined for "cruel" lobster display - Yahoo! News

A court in Vicenza ruled that a restaurant displaying lobsters on ice had committed an act of animal abuse, apparently forgetting about the part where the lobster is cooked and eaten a little further down the line. One would think that would warrant a fine, too, if we're going to be following the letter of every animal cruelty law on the books.

In Italy, very gradually, it's going to become illegal to eat anything that once had a face. Get excited.

The Anthem Should Be in English, Throw All Your Hands Up

2006-04-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

BREITBART.COM - Bush Says Anthem Should Be in English

No deseo siempre ser usted/
No deseo ser justo como usted/
Oh cuál el refrán im es/
éste es el tiro Del Himno, todas sus manos para arriba.

Obviously, Good Charlotte lacks its essential flow when roughly translated into foreign dialects.

What Caused Mysterious San Diego Boom?

2006-04-28T00:39:00.000-04:00

SignOnSanDiego.com

As always, Batman has the answer:

Rosie O'Donnell Has New Job, Balki Still Unemployed

2006-04-27T23:27:00.000-04:00

AccessHollywood - Rosie O'Donnell Named New 'View' Co-Host

ABC will apparently name former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell the replacement for Meredith Viera on "The View." Viera, current host of the syndicated "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and seat-filler on "The View," is leaving the latter chatfest to take over for Katie Couric, who is exiting to take over the CBS Evening News from whatever billion-year-old homunculus took over for Dan Rather.

Executives were quoted as saying "men wouldn't be caught dead watching that show anyway. What do we care?"

Rape in Duke that doesn't happen when visiting football teams travel to Durham

2006-04-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

The title's a joke about how bad the Duke Football team traditionally is. A dude from my high school is their quarterback of the future. That's kinda funny...maybe just to me.

Anyway, rape is serious and that's what the Drugde Siren deals with. CNN, along with a number of other news outlets, is reporting that the accuser in the rape case against Duke lacrosse players also filed a rape complaint in 1996. Finally, proof of their innocence comes to light! Everyone knows you can't get raped twice. It's just like getting struck twice by lightning or getting anal after you're married. It just doesn't happen.

Help a brother out

2006-04-27T13:40:00.000-04:00

Only 1.3 million to go

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people...to band together so this dude can have a threesome. If he gets two million hits, the pictured girl will help him reach the dream of all mankind, two girls at the same time.

So far, I've only gotten to the menage a un.

Look What God Did!

2006-04-26T11:02:00.000-04:00

Lightning kills 5 children praying at cross - New Zealand Herald

Yeah, I'm getting my Mexican news from a New Zealand paper by way of a Brit's blog. I'm sure you'll forgive me.

Anyway, every now and again, it becomes clear that God either loves screwing with people or outright hates them. How else do you explain Him wailing on one of His own symbols with lightning so as to cause the death of five children praying to Him? Granted, it was probably a pretty bad idea to be anywhere near a giant metal pole in a thunderstorm, but blaming God for things is both fashionable and, in this case, extremely easy.

CBS Radio Run By Lunatics

2006-04-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

Opie & Anthony Return to CBS RADIO - Yahoo! Finance

"CBS is Desperate." That should be the whole headline. When Howard Stern left for satellite, he apparently took most of their listeners with him. Or it could've been that CBS Radio figured it was a good idea to replace Stern with David Lee Roth, a man with slightly less radio experience than I have (full disclosure: I was a crappy college DJ for a while. Please don't make fun of me).

They've now fired Roth and replaced him with Opie and Anthony, who you may remember as Those Guys That Got Fired For Daring a Couple To Have Sex in a Church on the Air. If you don't recall that, the press release... actually, the press release doesn't mention it. Which is kind of funny, because that's exactly the last time Opie and Anthony were relevant.

Until right now, that is, since their joint deal with CBS and XM gives them the largest radio audience in the country, if I'm not mistaken. What do you figure the over-under is on them getting fired again? Six months?

The Wayback Machine: Week in Review

2006-04-21T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hu heckled by someone other than Drudge: On a visit to the White House, Chinese president Hu Jintao was heckled by an audience member later identified as Wang Wenyi, a writer for a writer for a paper known for strong support of the persecuted Falan Gong sect. The heckler was removed by security after telling Hu that his "days are numbered." Since this didn't happen in China, she probably won't be shot or run over by a tank.

Julia Roberts heckled by every theater critic on the face of the earth: Roberts brought her gaping shark maw to the New York stage in a production of Richard Greenberg's Three Days of Rain, which was met with big crowds and bad reviews. Since this didn't happen in China, she probably won't be shot or run over by a tank.

PS2 price drops twenty dollars: Sony knocked a Jackson off the MSRP of the PS2, bringing it down to $129. This probably is of little interest, but my poor five-year-old PS2 finally died on me, and I ain't spending a hundred-fifty bucks on something that's going to be obsolete in about five months just to beat Shadow of the Colossus.

Five boys plan school shooting on Columbine anniversary: The boys, between 16 and 18, had elaborate plans to kill at least a dozen students and teachers in their Riverton, Kansas high school, only to have them nipped in the bud when one of their little club went and told people about it on MySpace. If the Riddler were a teenage boy, he'd probably post a warning about his future crimes on MySpace, too.

Presumably, this will somehow be the fault of video games and MySpace, since those things are never merely symptomatic and always the cause.

Test pilot killed in Cessna crash: Scott Crossfield, the first man to fly at twice the speed of sound, died after his single-engine plane went down in poor weather over Georgia. It'd be ironic if he wasn't so awesome and this wasn't so sad.

Gas costs a whole bunch: Sometimes I'm glad I can't legally operate motor vehicles. Gas is apparently over four dollars a gallon in Beverly Hills (if Matt Drudge can be trusted, anyway) and shortages have been reported along the east coast.

Tom Cruise. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?: I guess Tom Cruise is a little weird. That's the word on the street, anyway. Of course, according to a Parade poll, eighty-four percent of people that respond to Parade polls think that the media's out to get the wee little man and that he has nothing to do with his current negative public perception. Then again, fourteen thousand of the eighteen thousand votes came from the same ten computers, so you might want to take that with a grain of salt.

Also, he and Katie Holmes named their daughter after the noise a farmer uses to call a pig.

Finally, I heard more about the Duke Lacrosse Rapestravaganza than I ever wanted to and Darren Dalton, actor, answered our summons for Darren Daulton, awesomely crazy person.

Because The Beatles Still Need Money, Apparently

2006-04-20T13:28:00.000-04:00

News from The Associated Press

There are precious few things lamer than Cirque du Soleil (translated from the French, that means "Obstructed-View Balcony Seats Are Eighty Dollars, and No, There Are No Elephants in This Circus"). Grafting the Beatles catalog onto their peculiar brand of mime acts and over-themed acrobatics just makes it into a live-action equivalent of one of those ubiquitous internet mash-ups: You've already seen the adventures of a sad clown juggling to try to recapture his magic happy rainbow, you've already listened the Beatles, do you give enough of a damn that you can now pay to do both at once?

No one has ever put it more succinctly than Garth Algar: What a shitty circus.

Tomkitten? What the hell does that even mean?

2006-04-19T13:33:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have had their baby girl. Tom is apparently putting the Iceman teeth chomp on the placenta. And could I possibly care less about Tom Cruise's personal life? No. No I couldn't.

Here's the deal. You know whose personal life I do care about? Jesus. Bill Clinton. Natalie Portman. Darren Daulton. So in that vein, I am calling you out Darren Daulton. We want you to take on the coveted fourth position, batting the proverbial clean up position in our lineup of newstelling. I will not rest until I get an answer from you.

Edit from Jon:

(16:46:49) DarrenDaulton: I have been to the future, and the future is the Drudge Siren.
(16:48:29) DarrenDaulton: In the year 2009, people used the term "Drudge Siren" as a euphemism for all media. "I enjoy the evening Drudge Siren with Katie Couric," they will say.
(16:48:45) p00isharkd: ha ha
(16:49:01) DarrenDaulton: I use a variety of different verb tenses at the same time so as to reflect my status as a time traveler.
(16:53:17) DarrenDaulton: I time-traveled to a few years ago just to cryptically warn John Kruk to enjoy having two testicles as much as possible. He was confused and slightly aroused.

FULL DISCLOSURE: If Darren Daulton has a screen name, it's probably not "DarrenDaulton."

The Latest on the Duke Rape Case

2006-04-18T10:23:00.000-04:00

Two players were arrested this morning and accused of the rape, sexual offense and kidnapping of a 27-year old exotic dancer. District Attorney Mike Nifong says a third player is suspected as well, but he will only charge that player when he is certain of a conviction.

Conveniently, Mike Nifong is up for election in two weeks. He was appointed to the position of DA last year and has never been elected. What better way to ensure your election victory than to spark up one of the highest profile North Carolina cases in a decade.

In other news that shows the probability of a not guilty verdict, ABC News reported yesterday that the security guard on duty at the local Kroger's was the one who dialed 911. The guard was approached by two women in a car. The alleged victim was in the passenger seat not moving. The driver got out of the car and asked the security guard to remove the other woman from the car. The driver said she found the woman on the side of the road and wanted to help, but then asked her to leave and she would not. Pictures prove that both women were dancing at the party. Also, the Kroger's is further away from the scene of the crime than a police station and a hospital. Thirdly, the security guard, when asked if she the passenger was a victim of rape, replied "absolutely not."

The players arrested are Reade Seligmann and Collin Finnerty, not the author of the "vile" email, Ryan McFadyen. Seligmann played in six games and scored one goal while Finnerty played in five with two goals and an assist. Both are sophomores.

"A Schooner IS a Sailboat, Stupidhead"

2006-04-17T22:40:00.000-04:00

Easter Bunny Busted In Mall Attack - April 17, 2006

"The Easter Bunny did this?"
"All I said was that the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down."

Man Wusses Out Of Crucifixion, Blames God

2006-04-15T21:06:00.000-04:00

'God made me cancel my own crucifixion' - Times Online

Cementing my theory that British television is, in fact, no better than our own, a TV presenter filming a reality show/documentary name of "Crucify Me" broke down in tears before being nailed to a cross and amended his mission from "get crucified" to "watch others get crucified, cry." In that regard, he was a smashing success.

Dominik Diamond planned his nailing as a culmination of a crisis in faith, using a radical Filipino Catholic practice as fodder for a televised reconnection with God. Because, obviously, TV's the best place to do something like that.

Artist Sebastian Horsley was the first westerner to ever take part in the ceremony. The top Google hit on his name is an article from the Observer about the thousand whores he's slept with. I'm not kidding. Point is, even he thought it was tacky that Diamond brought a TV crew to the Filipino rite.

Presumed innocence at Duke: Why no one likes a feminist

2006-04-14T00:53:00.000-04:00

Normally, opinion sections in the newspaper don't bother me at all. I figure that only truly insane people write to newspapers anymore. Hell, nobody reads them anyway. It takes a special brand of person to read a dying medium and take your time to write something to a paper that only you and a smattering of other equally crazy people will read. The only reason I bring this specific one up is that I know the girl who wrote this and I've been keeping extremely close tabs on this whole situation. Keep in mind that, though I won't say her name, she's not really a friend of mine, she was in a "race and gender in the media" class with me and she advised one of her friends not to go out with me. (a.k.a. no axe to grind whatsoever). Her opinion in the Boston Globe (one of America's shittiest papers, mind you) reads:

IN RESPONSE to Matthew Storin's op-ed on the events unfolding at Duke University (''When bad things happen at good places," April 10), I am disturbed that his focus is on how Duke can survive this from a public relations standpoint and retain its prestige.

Storin's suggestion that people will forget about these events or will ignore them because of Duke's elite status is frightening because of the racist, sexist, and violent attitudes Division 1 athletes at this school appear to be exhibiting.

Hatred does not appear overnight; it is learned behavior that is allowed to fester and grow over time and should not be ignored or excused because of the status of a university.

The media should be unrelenting in coverage of an unforgivable situation, and people should not move on and forget what has been alleged at Duke.

This kind of hatred will not cease if we look the other way in situations such as this -- when people may be using their power as white, male, Division 1 athletes to intimidate, harass, and assault those who do not have such clout.

END COPY

(Mick's opinion) I'm used to the role of the enemy. Not only as a privileged, christian white male, but as a genuinely mean, spiteful person. If you're a stripper and you don't bring some big dude to protect you, this is bound to happen. Should it be bound to happen? Of course not. But here's the world we live in, play by the rules. Rowdy, drunk college athletes plus one stripper in a college dorm equals bad news bears.

Here's the thing though, In America, we like to say that you're innocent until proven guilty. It never works that way in the media but that's the way the legal system rolls. In the last few days, we've found out that no DNA evidence links Duke players to a crime that night. Also, the POLICE said that she showed up "passed-out drunk" at the party. Also times two, attorneys for the players say they have pictures that prove this. Color me confused as to how people still think these Duke kids are going to be guilty. I think every judge in the world is going to question the idea that the alleged 'victim' has a lucid memory of the events since she was "passed-out drunk" before she got there. And a he said, she said case hinges on a detail like that.

Let's also remember the media, because it's the media's supposed duty to be "unrelenting in coverage of an unforgivable situation." I'm about neck deep in coverage of thsi thing from CNN to ESPN and I'm just about through with caring about it. No charges have even been filed against these kids and I've already posted one guy's name and picture. I have to admit that the email he sent seemed awfully graphic. And it did seem a bit suspicious that he'd write that after this incident took place. But the overwhelming point in this case is as follows: Everybody jumps at race and gender because they're hot button issues and everybody wants to play their damn fiddle for the under-privileged in society. If this whole thing didn't happen at all, think about these kids who lost their season when they were ranked number two in the country. Think about the kid who wrote that e-mail as a joke and now the world thinks he's a psychopath. Think about the coach, Mike Pressler, who was more or less pressured into quitting. Regardless of this investigation's outcome, he won't get another prestigious coaching job because of the stain his players put on his resume for probalby not doing anything illegal at all. Who plays a fiddle for him?

You can bet your ass that the Drudge Siren does.

"...It Was Thiiiiis Big"

2006-04-11T12:35:00.000-04:00

I'm fairly sure I edit myself better than Drudge edits his roomful of interns chained to desks surfing the Sacramento Bee and Fark for headlines about Clinton faux pas and three-day-old celebrity gossip. A: I presume the next quote was "as sure as the sun'll rise in the east tomorrow" or some other equally played-out cliché. I'm at a loss as to how that's news unless he's warming us up for a new Obvious Siren.

B: Leave the E off for Efficiency, I guess.

C, D: Wow, maybe he is going to bust out an Obvious Siren.

Baby to Curse Egypt With Plagues, Demand that Pharaoh "Let [his] People Go"

2006-04-10T17:37:00.000-04:00

Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to baby Moses - MSNBC.com

British professional downer Chris Martin and pretend-British professional interviewee Gwyneth Paltrow gave another kid a stupid name. Hooray, celebrity news. You keep the focus off important events and help we simple commoners realize that the fabulously wealthy are just like us, but crazier!

Gigantic Hair Never Looks Good Unless You're Playing ROCKING BASS

2006-04-08T00:26:00.000-04:00

Much has been made of Representative Cynthia McKinney's hair since she was plunked for assaulting a Capitol Hill officer. The Washington Post went so far as to run an article attempting to explain the allure of her head of frizz with the hard-hitting title "Why a Hairstyle Made Headlines."

I'll save you some time: It's because she's one pointy hair-pyramid away from being Didi Pickles from Rugrats. Or as close as a three-dimensional person could get to one of those awful, awful Klasky-Csupo character designs, anyway.

"Da Vinci Code" author wins but loses

2006-04-07T19:36:00.000-04:00

"Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown won his court case today as a judge rejected the notion that he stole the concept for his book from two historians. However, 100% of intelligent people surveyed thought his book was either terrible, was historically awful or didn't read it. Face it Dan, you're just not respected.

It's Like the Eye of Sauron!

2006-04-07T13:57:00.000-04:00

20060406britcrowning-thumb.jpg (JPEG Image, 340x255 pixels)

Image not safe for work, sanity, eyes, et cetera.

Possibly My New Favorite Google Search Resulting in Someone Coming Here

2006-04-07T13:33:00.000-04:00

darcy tucker is a punk and a hockey nancy boy - Google Search

I'm always surprised to see how people end up at the Siren. The Google hits are, almost without fail, for utterly ridiculous combinations of words, like "Darcy Tucker is a punk and hockey nancy boy" or "kirsten dunst naked and suckin cock."

Duke lacrosse player accused of writing "vile" e-mail

2006-04-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

Because I have very little respect for the protocol of journalism, I'm posting the name and picture of the Duke lacrosse player, Ryan McFadyen, accused of sending an e-mail to his fellow players saying they should find a prostitute, kill her and skin her. I had a picture from a small town newspaper from New Jersey who did a bio on him before, but this seems much more accurate. They took down the team bios on the Duke Athletic website (goduke.com) but he played in seven games and had no points. I guess that proves why he had to call a stripper to score.

By the way, if you haven't heard the story about the Duke lacrosse team, it's really long and it involves race and rape and coaches quitting and seasons being suspended and you should probably read about it somewhere else.

Edit from Jon: The actual text of the email is remarkable for many reasons, not the least of which being the absolute command of the language McFadyen shows (well, allegedly, anyway. Not too terribly hard to log onto somebody else's computer and bang out an insane email message, really).

"To whom it may concern

tommrow night, after tonights show, ive decided to have some strippers over to edens 2c. all are welcome.. however there will be no nudity. i plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off while cumming in my duke issue spandex.. all in besides arch and tack please respond

41" [all sic]

Let's take it piece by piece, shall we?

"To whom it may concern": No punctuation, but proper spelling, capitalization and grammar. Considering what follows, that's surprising.
"tommrow night, after tonights show": Putting aside the butchering of "tomorrow," the "after tonights show" is of interest. Did he mean The Tonight Show? I feel like a guy that writes bughouse crazy internet threats is the kind of guy that really likes Jay Leno.
After that, he offers strippers but no nudity, which is like yelling "KEGGER!" and then muttering "...of O'Doul's."
"i plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off while cumming in my duke issue spandex..": Tossing in the "Duke-issued spandex" thing is what makes me think this might be a fake. It's just too ridiculous, especially coupled with such an absurd threat as cutting off a stripper's skin. And what's with the two-period stab at an ellipse? It's not a typo; he does it twice. That's just weird, like he's heard what an ellipse does but has never seen one in practice.
"all in besides arch and tack please respond": I really hope somebody RSVPed for a stripper killing. How do you send regrets for that? "Man, I'd love to come to your stripper-skinning cumming-in-spandex party, but I've got so much homework." It's pretty great that Arch and Tack are apparently a given. He's just assuming those two'll show up for any kind of murderous activity.
"41": SECRET CODE. Maybe the Man won't work out who sent this out, even though it came from a college email address with the name "Ryan McFadyen" in it.

Matt Drudge Gay for Katie Couric

2006-04-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

Matt Drudge's headline for today:

Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you girl, and you should know it... With each glance and every little movement you show it... Love is all around, no need to waste it... You can have a town, why don't you take it... You're gonna make it after all...

That's right, even with a link to lyricsondemand.com so you too can read the lyrics to the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Katie Couric is awesome, I can let that slide. She's going to be the lead anchor on CBS Evening News too. And it's pretty well deserved. But it's not alright for Drudge to go nuts for her. You're a conservative, Matt, you're not supposed to like women in positions of power.

Israel Hates "Mamma Mia," Fires Missiles on Abbas

2006-04-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

Israel Fires Missiles Into Abbas' Compound - Yahoo! News

You ever play with army men in a sandbox? That's pretty much how I picture the middle east, except the brown army men and the green army men never differed on matters of religious preference when I was five. Those damned blue ones, though, they had their own mysterious agenda.

MLB season preview: the NL

2006-04-02T15:04:00.000-04:00

With the Major League Baseball season opener a matter of hours away, we here at the Drudge Siren want to give you an opportunity to hear what one of sports world's most ardent and lucid thinkers, Mick Nesci, to fill you in on what you need to know about baseball for 2006.

I'm just going to throw out a few sentences about each team in all six major league divisions (the National League today and the American League tomorrow) and then throw out some World Series and player predictions.

Lets start off in National League West. Seriously one of the weaker divisions in baseball. On paper, this is an easy one to call for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Having a pure hitter like Nomar Garciaparra at first base solidifies a lineup that plays in a ballpark known for high batting averages and not a lot of home runs. The Padres and Giants might contend, but they'll need to stay very healthy. The Padres hopes and dreams lie in the right arm of Jake Peavy, far and away the best pitcher in this division, and possibly in Mike Piazza, their new every day catcher. Piazza is years away being the best offensive catcher in baseball history but he still led all National League catchers in home runs last year. The Giants will need a big boost from Jason Schmidt, considering all the steroid controversy will have to hinder Barry Bonds. Schmidt was amazing a few years ago but fell on a bad year and some injury problems. He seems primed to return to form in '06. I refuse to write about the Colorado Rockies or the Arizona Diamondbacks. They're both...rebuilding? It hardly seems like rebuilding when you lose so many years in a row. To be fair though, the Diamondbacks won a world series not too long ago but we all know they suck hard this year. Dodgers win this division by about eight games.

The Central is a crap shoot as always. Last year's wildcard team, the Houston Astros, ended up being National League champions. This year, they'll have to do so without the greatest pitcher of the live ball era, Roger Clemens. At 44, he still seems to be on the verge of retiring. He could end up with the Rangers, Yankees or Red Sox, though he could resign again with the Astros and begin pitching before the All-Star break. Without him though, the Astros are going to struggle. Even last year they lacked consistent hitting and that's the reason why it's tough to pick them to repeat in the National League in '06. The Cardinals will probably lock this division up early, just like they did last year behind Albert Pujols and a very solid pitching staff led by Mark Mulder. The Cubs could contend in this division as well, but will start the year with their two stud pitchers, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, on the disabled list. They have a surprisingly solid lineup without the name recognition of other teams but when all systems are firing, the Cubs will be a tough team to stop. The Brewers and the Reds won't last. Both teams have decent squads but don't have nearly enough talent to keep them in the race. The Pirates are sneaky this year. They have a lot of young talent on all sides. Tehy're a surprisingly solid team but they're still a year away. Cards take this division by ten games.

The National League East is an interesting experiment. The Phillies and the Mets are very high in the league in payroll. Show me the talent though. Neither team can be feared because they're just too damn mediocre. The Mets get the nod in pitching as long as Pedro Martinez stays healthy and doesn't throw a lot of innings early in the year. The Phillies put out a stronger lineup with Rookie of the Year, Ryan Howard, now the every day first basement and Jimmy Rollins riding a 36 game hitting streak over the winter and into this season. The Marlins are the worst team in baseball, by a landslide. They sold off their stars from last year even though they still finished far out of the playoffs last year. The Nationals are interesting because they could ride the arms of Livan Hernandez and Jon Patterson under ideal circumstances and win a few ballgames. Asking two prize pitchers to stay healthy and on fire for a whole season is tough though, just ask the Cubs. Finally, we fall on the Braves, winners of this division for a decade and a half in a row. Every year people come out and say how much worse they are than last year. Every year they show that they still remember how to win. Don't bet against them this year either. Tim Hudson bolsters a strong pitching staff and let's not forget that Andruw Jones is the most dynamic player in baseball. Not only is he a lock for a Gold Glove but he led the league in home runs last year. Braves win it again this year by a few games.

Overall in the National League, the Cy Young Winner is probably going to be Mark Mulder. He's in his second year in the senior circuit and he's going to be on the team that puts the most wins on the board. It's not out of the question that the best lefty in the National League will win 25 games this year. Honorable mention goes to the Nationals' Jon Patterson, the Braves' Tim Hudson, the Pirates' Oliver Perez and the Padres' Jake Peavy. Oliver Perez comes out of nowhere but he's finally healthy with a few years of experience and the Pirates will win a few games this year.

The MVP will be Albert Pujols but by the end of the year, tell me that the Braves' Andruw Jones, the Cubs' Derrick Lee and the Padres' Jake Peavy aren't more valuable to their team.

I'm joining the concensus and picing the Cardinals to come out of the National League this year. It truly is the weaker league right now but St. Louis stands out as the clear favorite.

Join me tomorrow for a look at the American League.

Cursory Glances at Headlines Always Lead to Trouble

2006-03-31T13:41:00.000-05:00

courant.com | 'ATWT' Turns Golden

Somewhere, a dyslexic, upon reading that headline, will wonder why the Hartford Courant is using such coarse language to describe a part of the female anatomy.

So much for the Bensons

2006-03-30T20:29:00.000-05:00

Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson and model/actress (i guess) Anna Benson are splitting up after seven years of marriage. Let me be the first to say that Anna Benson is not that attractive. I've never heard a guy say, "sweet is that Anna Benson on the cover of FHM? Disco!" And on that topic, can Maxim/Stuff/FHM please stop photographing her now that she's not married to a mediocre professional athlete. I never saw the draw on that level either.